The Democratic National Committee has oh-so-helpfully put together a list of talking points to destroy your “Christian-conservative uncle” (’cause everyone has one of those awful creatures) at the Thanksgiving table. Here’s a list for the rest of us, to help us deal with the relatives that may have studied that list and intend to start a problem over cranberry sauce.
Have a Designated Safe Space Ready
If your regressive, overeducated college-aged nephew (who thinks socialism is a new idea) shows up in his glitter beard and neck scarf, and suddenly starts waxing ineloquently about racial discrimination on his campus, immediately show him to the “safe space” you have created just for him in the extra bedroom upstairs, far away from the rest of the family. Make sure to outfit the room with boxes of Kleenex for his tears, some footie pajamas, an Ani DiFranco CD, and some adult coloring books and crayons. Inform him that the family will be ready to receive him back into the slightly less safe space of conversation when he pulls it together.
Emergency Vegan Meal
If your Aunt Miranda complains about animal cruelty and starts to try to convert you to veganism, grab the Morningstar frozen dinner you have stashed away for just this moment and throw it in the microwave. Serve it to her in the plastic tray. Don’t allow her to go near the homemade stuffing (it has chicken broth in it!) or the handmade pies (those migrant workers who picked those apples were poorly treated!) and slap her hand when she goes for Gramma’s awesome cheeseball (dairy cows are people too!). Make sure everyone knows that Aunt Miranda can’t possibly touch anything other than her frozen vegan tofurkey because nothing else in the house is “fair-trade” or “cruelty-free.” No one would want to force Aunt Miranda to compromise her values.
When your twenty-year-old nephew emerges from his safe space and wants to start talking about the benefits of socialism and Bernie Sanders, immediately take his plate and redistribute his food to the dogs. Leave him with the green bean casserole and half a roll. If he complains, tell him he had an overprivileged plate and he’s a greedy bastard for not wanting to share with the less fortunate animals in the house who don’t have thumbs or the ability to work to buy their own turkey. Be prepared to use the safe space again.
When your nephew’s girlfriend brings up the evils of capitalism and the evil of money, apologize profusely for spending a small fortune on her meal. Promptly take an itemization of her plate and total it up. Tell her you take cash only and apologize again for offending her with your gaudy display of wealth. Do not allow her access to the safe space until her bill is paid.
Practicing Gun Control
The president has decided that we should all discuss gun control over turkey. Of all the dumb ideas, this one isn’t so bad. If any of your more vocal guests should start complaining that we need better gun control, heartily agree and direct everyone outside for target shooting. Arm your more squeamish guests with Red Ryder BB guns and have at it! (Make sure you keep track of hits and award a prize to the best shot. No participation trophies in this house!)
The truth is, no one wants to talk about politics on Thanksgiving. The myth that most family holidays are insufferable is foisted on us by the bitter Left. Most people enjoy their loved ones on holidays and aren’t actively plotting how to one up one another. But in the unlikely case that you have one of the sanctimonious missionaries of socialism in your midst… you’ll know what to do.