Survive the State of the Union with This Drinking Game

Sure, it’s kind of my job to watch Biden’s speech tonight, but I’ve never been a big fan of watching these when a Democrat is president… it’s just a lot to tolerate all the lying. But I’m a team player, and I’ll be watching the speech tonight. If you are too, and you’re looking to survive the entire thing without going crazy, take a shot whenever he…

…boasts about the economy.

Despite high gas prices, historic inflation, the supply chain crisis, and a record trade deficit, Joe Biden loves to brag about the economy, citing an unnamed economist who may or may not exist, or perhaps just Paul Krugman. Biden loves to cite job gains over the past year that have nothing to do with his policies and everything to do with the economy reopening after the 2020 COVID lockdowns ended. According to the White House, “the economy has created more jobs per month than under any other President – ever,” and you can bet that Biden will repeat this during his speech.

…does his creepy whisper thing.

You probably remember him doing this in the past at various press conferences—sometimes, for no reason whatsoever, he would pretend that he was telling the media this big secret about something and start whispering into the microphone like a creepy old man.

…blames Trump for something.

Joe Biden has a long list of failures, but he never seems to take any responsibility for them. Be it the border crisis, COVID surges, or even inflation, somehow, he thinks that he can get away with blaming Trump for these problems. He’ll try to be sly about it, though. He’ll talk about how he “inherited” this or that and somehow managed to make it better. You’ll probably want to puke when he does but take a shot instead.

…praises Kamala Harris.

Rumors have been going around for months that there are huge tensions between Biden’s team and Harris’s team, and the State of the Union is the perfect time to project unity. But in all likelihood, there’s trouble in paradise, and it probably stings Kamala that Biden hasn’t resigned and let her take over yet, so, take a shot, and feel the burn of alcohol because, hey, why not?

…talks about the border crisis.

Honestly, I don’t expect him to mention the border at all. In fact, his administration has been aggressively denying that there’s even a border crisis. But, if by some miracle he actually does mention anything even remotely related to the border crisis, take a shot because hey, you deserve it.

…calls for amnesty.

While I fully expect Biden to pretend like there is no border crisis, I nevertheless expect him to make a pitch for amnesty. So, when he does, take a shot because if amnesty happens, illegal immigrants will probably be entitled to all your booze.

…boasts about his administration’s diversity

While running for president, Joe Biden, in a desperate effort to compensate for being The Devil (a.k.a. a white heterosexual male) promised to pick a black woman as his running mate, and nominate a black woman to the Supreme Court. He also has made a point to make affirmative action picks throughout the government. It seems like anytime he makes an appointment, the White House boasts about this person being the first [fill in the blank] to serve that position.

…complains about the media.

Joe Biden has complained that the media treats him unfairly. Apparently, he was sleeping during Trump’s presidency. But seriously, before he boasts about how awesome his presidency is, if he slips in something about how the public might not know about it because the media hasn’t talked about it, take a shot.

…takes credit for ending COVID.

Congress will be completely maskless for the State of the Union because the polls… I mean science… says that the pandemic is over and Joe Biden saved us from it. He won’t tell you that he declared independence from COVID last year before the delta variant wave came, or that more people died from COVID on his watch than under Trump, but you can bet your life that he’ll find every possible way to take credit for the pandemic ending.

Take an extra shot if he takes credit for the vaccination program he inherited from Trump.

…encourages you to get vaccinated.

The pandemic may be ending, but the pharmaceutical companies still have money to make, so make sure you get vaccinated and boosted like yesterday. If Biden makes a pitch for the unvaccinated to get vaccinated, take a shot. If he tells us to get boostered, take another.

…talks tough about Russia.

Of course, the big issue of the moment is Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, and he’s going to talk about it. We all had a good laugh recently recounting how Biden claimed that Putin didn’t want him to be president because he would stand up to him… only to see Biden let Putin walk all over him. Donald Trump has recently pointed out that Putin never would have invaded Ukraine if he were still president, and a majority of Americans agree, so to compensate, expect Biden to pretend to be a tough guy, and when you’re done laughing, take a shot.

BONUS SHOTS:

Take a shot if Joe Biden…

…wears a mask when he enters the chamber.

Yeah, the mask mandate for Congress is over, but on Monday he was walking outside alone wearing a mask. So, he might make a show of ditching the mask.

…lasts longer than an hour.

According to Politico, the average length of a State of the Union address is 50 minutes.

…mumbles like a moron.

Biden has a history of tripping over words, even when he’s reading off a teleprompter.

…is wearing a pin for Ukraine.

Biden’s diplomatic skills are obviously garbage, so symbolic gestures are probably his best play. Several politicians have been seen wearing a pin with the Ukrainian flag, and Biden might decide to follow the trend because that will make up for his failure to stand up to Putin. If you see such a pin, take a drink, and pray for the people of Ukraine.