News & Politics

White House Staff Finds Poop on Floor, Blames Champ and Major

Official White House Photo by Adam Schultz

“Isn’t it nice to have dogs back in the White House?”

We heard that a lot when Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. moved in and brought along his two dogs, Champ and Major. Journos and other Democrats positively swooned at the sight of the presidential pooches. “Ooooh, isn’t it wonderful? Trump doesn’t like dogs, and I don’t like Trump, so this is just the bestest thing ever. Goody goody goody!” Ugh. I like dogs as much as the next red-blooded American, but good lord. These people have no respect for themselves.

Speaking of the pitiable wretches who have taken to worshipping these dogs, check out the very sane person who runs this account:

Don’t worry, that’s not an official White House account. It’s not even a pawfficial account. Just a very strange Democrat. Those guys only love America when they’ve got control of the White House, but any country that can afford its people the free time to make dog puns on the Internet all day seems pretty prosperous to me.

And the Daily Beast, one of the finest journalistic outlets in America, interviewed a “dog psychic” named Beth Lee-Crowther, who claimed to have picked up these canine psychic emanations after looking at a picture of the two dogs:

“They made me feel that he will make a great president. He loves to help people. They described him as being a big softy. He talks to them like they are people about his ideas, hopes for the future, if he is having a good day or a bad day, like how we would talk to a person about things… Major is the more excitable one of the two, and is extremely eager to learn and fit in. He’s very loyal, loves life, and perhaps a little more mischievous. Champ is a really sensitive soul.”

Well, after all, it’s called the Daily Beast, not the Daily Professional.

But somehow that dog psychic didn’t look into her crystal bowl (get it?) and predict that Major would start biting people. Major really likes biting people! The first time it happened, Biden sent the dog back to Delaware for “training.” Which I took to mean “neutering.” But then Major came back and started biting people again. That damn dog is biting everybody up in that White House.

If your dog kept running around biting people, animal control would get involved. You’d pay a fine, and you’d probably need to get another dog. But Biden’s dog bites people and that’s just too bad for them. It’s good to be the king.

But this canine crime wave doesn’t stop there! Now those malevolent mutts are escalating:

Ain’t that some $#!+.

My heart goes out to the poor White House press corps. Champ and Major were supposed to be a lighthearted distraction from COVID and the border crisis and Biden’s obviously failing mental faculties and Kamala’s bizarre cackling and all the other stuff this White House keeps screwing up. Now those dogs are just a grim reminder that Joe Biden ruins everything he touches.

You’d think these guys would’ve learned their lesson about dogs after the 2012 election. They tried to turn Mitt Romney’s dog into an election issue, and then they had to deal with Obama’s admission that he eats dog meat. Enough about the dogs!

Of course, this is all assuming Champ and/or Major are the culprits in the first place. Fecal incontinence isn’t an uncommon problem among the elderly, and some of the current residents of the White House don’t seem to have a solid grasp on where they are at all times. What I’m saying is…

Who’s keeping tabs on Jill?