If You Want a Free Krispy Kreme Donut, You Just Need a Vaccination Card and Zero Self-Respect

Americans weren’t exactly svelte before ~~COVID-19~~ the Chinese virus gave us the perfect excuse not to go to the gym, and in 2021, we’re outright lard-butts. (Calm down, it’s a medical term.) The average weight gain over the past year was 29 pounds, which works out to roughly one pound for every time Anthony Fauci has lied to us. And that weight gain isn’t good, because obesity increases the risk of severe illness if you do catch the Wuhan virus. Obesity is bad for our health, virus or no virus, and all the “body positivity” rhetoric in the world isn’t going to change that. Fat ain’t where it’s at, and if you mix it with COVID, it’ll leave you flat.

So, what better way to celebrate getting your recommended dose of the vaccine than scarfing down a nutritious, low-calorie, low-carb Krispy Kreme donut? Sophie Lewis, CBS News:

In case you needed another reason to get your COVID-19 vaccination, Krispy Kreme is sweetening the deal — it’s giving free doughnuts to anyone with proof of vaccination, all year long.

Starting Monday, any customer with a valid COVID-19 vaccination card will receive a free Original Glazed doughnut at participating locations nationwide. The iconic doughnut shop specifies that any guests who have received at least one of the two shots of the Moderna or Pfizer vaccine, or one shot of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine qualify for the promotion…

Vaccinated individuals can go back every single day and continue getting free doughnuts through all of 2021.

As with most things, I can see both sides of this. On one hand, vaccines are good (sorry, science-haters), and anything that encourages people to get vaccinated against COVID-19 is good. We need to get society moving again, we need to put this nightmare behind us, and the vaccine is our best hope. If a free donut is the incentive you need to do your part, fine. Calories vs. casualties.

On the other hand… imagine getting into your car, going to Krispy Kreme, waiting in line, and showing your vaccination card to get a free handout from a minimum-wage employee. Like, right out in public where everybody can see you. And not just once, but every day for a year.

What’s wrong with you? Have you no shame?

Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not an anti-vaxxer. You absolutely should get vaccinated because it keeps you from catching and spreading a deadly disease. But if you want a donut, you should pay for it yourself. Just because your mama didn’t raise you right, that doesn’t mean the rest of us should have to wait in line behind your cheap @$$ while you get your free donut with your stupid vaccination card. We have to pay for you, with the currency being our precious time on this planet. It’s just low-class, even for the sort of people who frequent Krispy Kreme.

Maybe it’s just me, though. Keep in mind, I’m the guy who always avoids free samples at the grocery store, even before the virus. It just doesn’t sit right with me. I’m not some sort of street peasant. I’m not a poodle begging for a treat. I may not be a fancy gentleman, but I have more dignity than that. Ugh. You people really do give me the creeps, you know that?

Please note that this standard does not apply if Taco Bell starts giving away chalupas to anyone with proof of vaccination. That’s different. Taco Bell is awesome. Oooh, or Chick-fil-A! Go ahead and do whatever you want for some free Chick-fil-A. Dignity, schmignity.

(Seriously, though, go get your shots. Let this nightmare end.)

Update: Never mind, I take it all back. Now I definitely want my free vaccination donut.