News & Politics

Baltimore Activist Wants to Pay Criminals Not to Kill People

Baltimore Activist Wants to Pay Criminals Not to Kill People
AP Photo/Patrick Semansky

Murder. It’s bad. That’s why there’s a whole commandment against it, and a bunch of other laws all over the world. It’s the second-worst thing you can do to a person, other than making him watch an Amy Schumer movie. It can be fun to watch people murder each other in TV shows and video games and comic books and such, but it’s wrong to do it in real life.

Yet people keep murdering each other, every single day. In Baltimore alone, there were 335 homicides in 2020. That averages out to a murder every 26 hours. That’s way too much murder. But how do we stop it?

All the laws ever written in the history of mankind haven’t stopped people from killing each other. We just keep at it. So maybe it’s time to try something new. How about… bribes?

Lia Eustachewich, NY Post:

A convicted murderer-turned-community activist in Baltimore has a radical approach to combating the city’s stunning murder rate: Pay criminals not to kill.

The controversial idea comes from Tyree Moorehead, who was 15 when he was put away for second-degree murder and spent 18 years behind bars, Fox 45 reported.

“I can relate to the shooters,” said the activist, who now transforms scenes of deadly shootings into so-called “no-shoot zones.” “Guess what they want? They want money.”

Well, sure. We all do!

Where do I sign up? I’m very good at not killing people. I’ve been not killing people my whole life. In my senior year of high school, I was voted Most Likely to Not Kill Anybody. On my arm is a tattoo: “Born to Not Kill.” My favorite movie is Natural Born Not-Killers. Not killing people is what I’m all about.

And all this time… I’ve been doing it for free??? What a dope!

I like this idea, obviously. You can catch more flies with a carrot than a stick, or something. But why rely on the government to do it? It should be privatized. It’s up to each of us to make the world a safer place. Here’s what I suggest: Go around your neighborhood and remind everybody that it’s a nice place and it would be a shame if something… happened to it. You never know when somebody’s gonna get shot, do ya? But for a very reasonable price of $1,000 a month, you’ll agree not to shoot anybody. Is that really too much to pay to ensure your family’s safety?

Who could refuse such an offer?

And why not extend this idea to all sorts of other violent crimes? You could make a damn good living by not raping anybody, not robbing any banks, not smashing up a Starbucks, not carjacking anyone, and so on. You could make a very good living as a career non-criminal!

Hey, at least this is better than the Democrats’ usual idea: Grabbing everybody’s guns, whether they’ve ever committed a crime or not. At least this is targeting actual criminals. Even if it’s to bribe them not to commit crimes. It’s not much, but it’s a start.

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