News & Politics

Chipotle Hires Bill Nye to Scold You for Eating Fast Food

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Do you remember eating in a restaurant? And do you remember Bill Nye, the human embodiment of SCIENCE™? If you remember both of those things, and you feel guilty about eating fast food because you’ve been brainwashed into believing it’s bad for the planet, and you don’t think 2020 sucks badly enough already… then have we got an ad campaign for you!

Ladies and gentlemen: Chipotle Mexican Grill.

This is the best thing Chipotle has done since that latest outbreak of food poisoning.

The Chipotle website even has a “Real Foodprint” tracker that tells you how much, or how little, your order is saving the planet:

At Chipotle we believe that one burrito may not change the world, but the way we make it might. Our new Real Foodprint is the first, radically transparent sustainability tracker of its kind, showing the sustainable impact you’re helping make on the planet by choosing Chipotle’s real, responsibly-sourced ingredients versus conventional ones. Together, we will continue to take steps to Cultivate a Better World.

It’s not just transparent, it’s radically transparent. Because when you’re trying to decide what you want for dinner at an overpriced “fast casual” joint, there’s nothing more relaxing than being scolded for needing to eat to survive.

I just tried it out for myself. I plugged in an order for a steak burrito with white rice, black beans, guac, sour cream, romaine lettuce, and tomatillo-red chili salsa. And here’s what it told me:

Nonsense from Chipotle.

I’m not really sure what any of that means, but I feel better already about destroying the earth just by being alive!

So, if I ordered something different, it would be… better for the planet? Worse? Here, let Bill Nye explain it:

No, Bill, that doesn’t really make me hungry. But I know that what you’re saying is true because you’re wearing a lab coat.

If Chipotle really wanted to save the earth, they’d go out of business altogether. Just shut it all down and go live in a cave. Nothing is more sustainable than failure. Take it from someone who knows.

Here’s an idea for a restaurant: You sell me food and I eat it. You provide an array of items, as many or as few as you think you can manage — let’s call it a “menu” — and you don’t try to make me feel guilty about the item(s) I select. I give you money, you give me food, and then you leave me in peace while I eat. Then I go away and I may or may not come back, depending on how I felt about the experience. Sound good? Maybe we could try that.

You know who these restaurants should hire if they want my business? Beakman. Y’know, Paul Zaloom from Beakman’s World. That guy was great. He was at least as educational as Bill Nye, with the added benefit of actually being funny. He was like the Betamax to Nye’s VHS: a superior product, but for various reasons the public just didn’t go for it.

Some of us still remember you, Beakman. You were a real one.

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