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Top Five Replacements for Our National Anthem

AP Photo/ Evan Vucci

Are you tired of being called a racist? Well, that’s just further proof that you’re a racist. And if you have a problem with erasing all evidence of America’s history, you’re especially racist. It doesn’t matter whether the statue being torn down today depicts a Confederate slaveholder, an abolitionist, or even Abraham Lincoln himself. It’s a statue and it’s gotta go. This is Year Zero, and everything that came before must be purged. So while that’s happening, why not change the national anthem too?

Lyndsey Parker, Yahoo News:

In an increasingly antiracist era when problematic iconography — ranging from Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben to even the Dukes of Hazzard General Lee car and country band Lady Antebellum’s name — is being reassessed, revised or retired, America’s national anthem, “The Star-Spangled Banner,” seems to be striking a wrong note…

Activist and journalist Kevin Powell, author of the new book When We Free the World, says it’s important to understand the song’s racist legacy, starting with Key’s bigoted background…

So, if “The Star-Spangled Banner” goes the way of the Confederate flag and Gone With the Wind, what should America’s new national anthem be? …Powell, for his part, suggests John Lennon’s “Imagine,” which he says is “the most beautiful, unifying, all-people, all-backgrounds-together kind of song you could have.”

That’s a terrific idea. “Imagine” is a very good song that everybody likes and doesn’t annoy or infuriate anyone, so it would be a strong choice for our new national anthem. Unfortunately, it’ll last about five minutes before somebody points out that John Lennon also wrote a song called “Woman Is the [N-word] of the World.” Then he’ll get #cancelled and we’ll need to find a new national anthem.

Why wait? I say we start looking for a new one right now. Here are my Top Five Replacements for Our National Anthem:

5. “All Apologies” by Nirvana

Apologizing is the hottest new trend in 2020. Whether you’re forced to grovel for sending bad tweets 10 years ago, coerced into throwing your friends and colleagues under the bus to save yourself, or even held accountable for the words of your spouse or other family members, everyone is expected to apologize for anything that offends anybody, anywhere, at any time. So “All Apologies” is a perfect anthem for our nation.

Just look at the lyrics: “What else should I be? All apologies / What else could I say? Everyone is gay / What else should I write? I don’t have the right.” Abject prostration, self-excoriation, and an LGBT-friendly message? Score! Seattle has already brought us the endless fun and entertainment of CHAZ/CHOP, so it’s only fitting that they also provide the song we play before sporting events.

Plus, we wouldn’t need to worry about anybody trying to cancel Kurt Cobain. Any racist stuff he ever might’ve said or done could be forgiven, because he ended up finding the ultimate solution to his own white privilege.

4. “America, F*** Yeah” by Trey Parker

Who can forget this stirring ode to our country’s greatness from the 2004 espionage drama Team America: World Police? In addition to extolling the virtues of McDonald’s, Walmart, The Gap, Starbucks, Taco Bell, Popeye, and other great things about America, it just plain rocks. Okay, okay, the song does say that slavery was good, but that’s just a joke. People can take a joke in 2020 America, right? Hello?

3. “American Idiot” by Green Day

Also released in 2004, this blast of pop-punk rage against the Bush administration and the Iraq War holds up well, assuming you hate America and everything it stands for. If you think “American” and “idiot” are redundant, then “American Idiot” is your anthem. Plus, those guys are like 50 now, right? Us old white males need an anthem of our own.

NOTE: The song does contain the word that starts with “f” and rhymes with “maggot,” but Billie Joe Armstrong is using it to contrast with “the redneck agenda.” So it’s okay. I think? Yeah, it should be okay. Pretty sure.

2. “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns N’ Roses

No reason, really. I just like that one. Why not?

1. “F*** Tha Police” by N.W.A.

This is probably the most offensive song ever to social conservatives, which is why it’s the number one choice for anybody who hates America enough to bother to change the national anthem. It’s all about killing cops, especially the black ones. Lefties hate black cops because the cognitive dissonance is too much to handle, so cops are the only black people they feel comfortable criticizing other than Clarence Thomas and Kanye West.

If you don’t like N.W.A., that means you’re a racist and nothing you say matters anyway. And if you take a knee during this national anthem, it’ll be even worse than not taking a knee during the old one.

Whew, glad we got that over with. What do we cancel next, guys? How about the American flag? Burning it just doesn’t seem to work, they keep making more.