News & Politics

Biden Says He Needs to Pick a Good VP Because He's Super-Old

Democratic presidential candidate former Vice President Joe Biden speaks during a Democratic presidential primary debate Thursday, Dec. 19, 2019, in Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Chris Carlson)

The Democrats have exactly one viable candidate running for president in 2020 who’s under 70 years young, and Pete Buttigieg is currently in fifth place in the polls. On Election Day, Donald Trump will be 74. No matter who gets the Democratic nomination, odds are this will be the most decrepit election ever. A war of the wizened.

Only one candidate is willing to address this problem. Unfortunately for the Dems, he’s also their front-runner.

“I can think of at least eight women, at least four or five people of color, that I think are totally qualified to be vice president of the United States. But for me, it has to be demonstrated that whomever I pick is two things: One, is capable of needing to be the president, because I’m an old guy,” Biden said. “No, but I’m serious. Look, thank God, I’m in great health… I work out every morning. I’m in good shape, knock on wood, as my mother would say.”

I think what Joe Biden is saying is: Look, fat, he’s doing okay for a very old person, but nobody lives forever. Man is mortal. Joe regrets letting Hillary Clinton intimidate him out of running in 2016, when he may very well have won. But if he’s elected now, he’ll probably die in office. That’s just math, dude.

It’s not often that I say this, but I applaud Joe Biden for his honesty. Even if it’s inadvertent, because he can’t control his aging brain anymore and just blurts out the truth even when it doesn’t help his campaign.

(He really is holding up well for an older fella, though. Just look at pictures of him from 30-40 years ago. He had less hair in the ’80s than he does now. He’s actually getting younger!)

Whether it’s Biden or Sanders, the two most likely survivors of this interminable process, the Democratic nominee for president in 2020 will be the oldest candidate for president ever. Win or lose, that alone is historic. So… good for them?

If Biden gets the nomination, who do you suppose he’ll pick for VP? He’ll have plenty of options, because pretty much everybody in the world is younger and less white than he is. Seems like Stacey Abrams would be a perfect choice. She’s black. She’s a woman. She doesn’t qualify for AARP yet. And when they lose, she’ll just go around for years claiming they actually won. Plus, think of all the hilarious sexist and racist gaffes Joe would make. (I can predict at least three good ones off the top of my head, but I can’t repeat them without getting #cancelled because I’m not a Democrat.) She’s perfect! I hope he picks Abrams.

Biden/Abrams 2020: At Least They’re Not Trump, Right?