Ha Ha, Those Paper Straws Coming Soon to a McDonald's Near You Can't Be Recycled

As a practical matter, I’m against plastic straws because I just don’t like drinking out of them. My longstanding public stance is that straws suck, and not just literally. I can ingest liquids like an adult, thank you very much. I don’t need a juicebox or a sippy cup. But I also hate government meddling, wild animals, and our beautiful planet. So, if you want to drink a beverage with a plastic straw, you should be able to do so without worrying about whether it’ll eventually get stuck in a tortoise’s nostril or up a bird’s ass or wherever. No animal’s life is worth risking any human being’s momentary inconvenience. When was the last time a turtle did anything for you?

But unfortunately for all of us, I’m not in charge of the world. That’s why last year, all the McDonald’s restaurants in the UK and Ireland switched to those horrible, disgusting paper straws. As if living in the UK and Ireland isn’t miserable enough!

But now it turns out that not only are those damn paper straws useless, they’re actively harmful to the very environment they’re supposed to be saving.

Rob Picheta, CNN Business:

McDonald’s has reportedly admitted that its new paper straws, rolled out last year to help “protect the environment,” can’t be recycled — unlike the plastic versions they replaced…

“While the materials are recyclable, their current thickness makes it difficult for them to be processed by our waste solution providers, who also help us recycle our paper cups,” a McDonald’s spokesman told the UK’s Press Association news agency…

The issue was first revealed by The Sun newspaper, which published an internal McDonald’s (MCD) memo saying that the company’s paper straws “are not yet recyclable and should be disposed of in general waste until further notice.”

Once again, the do-gooders just made things worse. Once again, the cure was more harmful than the disease.

But that’s beside the point. It doesn’t matter whether any of this stuff works. It doesn’t matter whether these people accomplish their stated goals. They just need to feel like they’re doing something good. They just need to assuage a bit of the guilt they feel for living like kings in the greatest, most prosperous society the world has ever seen.

Yes, even England gets counted in that. For now.

I live in Flyover Country, so the straw ban hasn’t hit me yet. I’m gonna start using plastic straws while I still can. No sacrifice is too great when your cause is just.