News & Politics

AOC: Let's Cover Rikers Island in Solar Panels and Stuff

AOC: Let's Cover Rikers Island in Solar Panels and Stuff
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, D-N.Y., addresses the Road to the Green New Deal Tour final event at Howard University in Washington, Monday, May 13, 2019. (AP Photo/Cliff Owen)

I’ve never bought into the conspiracy theory that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is just an actress, cast by the Justice Democrats PAC to pretend to be a congresswoman for some nefarious purpose. That’s ridiculous. If she were an actress, her scripts would make some sort of sense.

No, it’s obvious what’s really happening here: AOC is actually a malfunctioning android. Her endless stream of verbal gaffes and goofs is clearly the result of a poorly programmed algorithm, or perhaps a short-circuit caused by a mishap during an IKEA furniture-building session.

Not buying it? Then explain this:

“…Whenever we come out, whenever we activate, it’s not always in resistance. It’s not always to protest the things that we want, or prevent the expansion of a world that is unjust. But we also come together to put together a vision of the world that we want to build for ourselves… Because when we come together and we decide that we’re gonna shut down Rikers, and we’re gonna turn it not into a playground for the real-estate lobby, and not into a playground for the rich, but we’re gonna put it, and we’re gonna transform it into a public good for all people… If you just put 25% of Rikers Island and cover it in solar panels, we can close every toxic power plant in New York City that was built in the last two decades… And we have to always realize that these injustices aren’t abstract. Right? Our right to clean air and our access to clean water always falls along lines of income, it falls along lines of privilege. And so what we need to make sure is that no child is getting subjected to asthma because of the family that they were born in and the ZIP code that they were born in… And so my vision, and what I’m so excited to show and to discuss is how we’re gonna move forward… Not only how we’re gonna stop the bad things, but how we’re gonna heal and build for our future…” [yammering continues]

No human brain could spit out such a powerful barrage of endless, senseless glossolalia.* She’s obviously a robot with a loose wire or something. Or maybe somebody needs to open the latch on the back of her skull and replace her batteries. It’s just terrible, you hate to see it.

*No, not even Trump. He’s clearly a space alien.