News & Politics

Three Theories on the Unsolved Jussie Smollett Mystery

Three Theories on the Unsolved Jussie Smollett Mystery
In this March 6, 2018 file photo, actor-singer Jussie Smollett, from the Fox series, "Empire," poses for a portrait in New York. (Photo by Victoria Will/Invision/AP, File)

It’s been an eventful 48 hours since the last time we spoke about the Jussie Smollett story, friends. First, the Chicago Police Department finally arrested two suspects in the case. Did they nab the racist Trump supporters who attacked him? Did they prove his story is all true?

See for yourself:


Well, they’re not quite what I was expecting, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. As Smollett himself said of his attackers: “It feels like if I had said it was a Muslim or a Mexican or someone black, I feel like the doubters would have supported me much more.” See, the problem isn’t that his story doesn’t hold up. The problem is that you’re a racist if you don’t believe him. Now that I see that the suspects are black, I support him… even less. This does not assuage any of my doubts. So obviously, that makes me even more racist than I was before I saw his suspected assailants.

And now, in an even weirder twist, the CPD has released those two Nigerian* brothers, one of whom has worked as an extra on Smollett’s show Empire. They’re no longer suspects. And Smollett has now hired a criminal defense lawyer, the same one who represents Michael Cohen.

Obviously, this can only mean one thing: Jussie Smollett’s real attackers are still out there!

As far as I can figure, there are three explanations for the discrepancies between Smollett’s story and consensus reality. Three possible culprits, still on the loose. Drum roll, please…

  1. Alt-right ninjas. The police say they’ve reviewed all the surveillance footage in the area at the time Smollett says it happened, and there’s no record of any attack. However, there’s a 60-second gap where Smollett can’t be seen on camera. Do you have any idea how much damage a ninja can do in 60 seconds? Hell, 6 seconds! We all know how violent the alt-right is, so who’s to say some of them haven’t become ninjas? Can you prove that highly trained MAGA-ninjas didn’t appear out of nowhere, in an area along Smollett’s path that they knew wasn’t covered by security cameras, to attack him as revenge for his anti-Trump tweets? Can you prove they didn’t then throw one of those little smoke bombs and disappear into the night? Can you? Huh? Answer the question, you Nazi!
  2. Thanos. As you know if you saw the 2018 documentary Avengers: Infinity War, the cosmic demigod and genocidal tyrant known as Thanos has finally acquired all six Infinity Stones, giving him control over reality itself. Now that he’s basically omnipotent and omniscient, he’s used his powers to reduce half the living beings in the universe (including half of Marvel’s highly lucrative IP) to fireplace ashes. So, what’s next? Sure, Thanos might just sit around on his front porch, smiling at the sunrise. But if he can do literally anything he wants now, why wouldn’t he use his reality-warping powers to mess with Jussie Smollett? Why wouldn’t he use the combined powers of the Space Stone, the Power Stone, the Reality Stone, the Soul Stone, the Time Stone, and the Mind Stone to commit the perfect crime against social justice? C’mon, you know he voted for Trump.
  3. Nobody. Nobody did it. It’s a hoax. Jussie Smollett made it up. He faked a hate crime to draw attention to himself, and to smear supporters of his hated enemy Donald Trump. The only problem with this theory is that it’s racist and homophobic, because Smollett is black and gay. He’s #intersectionalAF, so the normal rules don’t apply. I’m sorry I even brought it up, without a trigger warning or anything.

We’ll see. But one thing is for sure: If it turns out that Smollett faked this whole thing, you can expect some sheepish public apologies from all the celebrities and other libs who blamed Republicans everywhere. All the people who scolded us for being skeptical will acknowledge that they were wrong. They’ll admit that they’re the bigots. That will definitely happen.

I love science fiction!

*Maybe when they screamed, “This is MAGA country,” they meant Make Africa Great Again? I’m just trying to keep an open mind here.