News & Politics

PETA Grills a Dog as a Publicity Stunt

Members of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals dress as a chicken and a cow. Wednesday Nov. 10, 2010. (AP Photo/Aaron Favila)

As my regular reader(s) can tell you, I have an almost thoroughly genuine disdain for most of the creatures of the earth. If it ain’t people, it ain’t $#!+. Whether it walks, crawls, slithers, swims, or soars, I probably don’t have much of an emotional investment in it. Animals are dumb. Some of them are tolerable when viewed for up to 90 seconds on the internet, doing something amusingly humanlike.* But the only living animals I want anywhere near me are dogs, cats that act like dogs, dogs that act like cats, and dogs.** That’s why, when the media the Democratic Party went after Mitt Romney for putting his dog in a car-top carrier on a family trip, I reminded them that Obama actually eats dogs. And dogs are the only animals you shouldn’t eat, because I personally like them. If that’s a problem for you, too bad.

Does that sound silly to you? Do you resent being emotionally manipulated? Do you bristle at the idea that your personal behavior should be dictated by the whims of a weird, illogical crank you’ve never met? Well then, why should you be expected to do what PETA tells you to do?

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS A DEPICTION OF A DOG BEING COOKED ON A GRILL.

If that makes you angry and/or nauseated, don’t worry. PETA claims it’s fake. And when has PETA ever lied?

Note that PETA doesn’t deny killing dogs. They just claim they didn’t do so this time.

“If you find these images disturbing, but you eat meat, think about your perception.” Okay, here’s my perception: I don’t like to eat lamb because it’s too greasy. But if I decide I want to eat some lamb, I will damn well eat some lamb. You know why? Because I’m a person and it’s a lamb. That’s how it works. Did that dumb beast apologize to all those poor innocent blades of grass it murdered just to stay alive? No? Then I feel the exact same amount of remorse.

If you want me to understand what you’re saying, but you see me as no different than creatures who literally can’t understand what you’re saying, think about your perception.

In summary: Perceive these.

Speaking of which, PETA has always been disturbing and alienating, but in recent weeks they’ve been ramping up the crazy. Witness this other work of genius:

“Don’t eat meat, because carrots and bananas look kind of like penises. To demonstrate, here are some sweaty creeps gyrating around with plants clamped to their glands.” These are the sorts of decisions a group makes when none of them ever, ever listen to anybody who disagrees with them.

But hey, PETA got me talking about them, so I guess they win. Except that now I want to eat nothing but dead beasts.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals… Yeah, right. You want me to treat animals ethically? Fine, I’ll say “Excuse me” when I burp.

*Whenever I see a video of two different species of animals interacting with one another harmlessly, I don’t say: “Oh, how cute, they’re friends!” I say: “Show me the same two animals after you haven’t fed them for a week.” They’re not buddies, you idiots. They’re just not hungry.

**”You said ‘dogs’ twice.” “I like dogs.”