News & Politics

Beto Fans Insist: This Is Not a Drill

Robert “Beto” O’Rourke couldn’t even beat Ted Cruz, but could he beat Donald Trump? Could America’s favorite Pseudospanic be the savior of the Democratic Party? Will Beto be their designated driver, or will he flee the scene of yet another disaster? He certainly seems to be the current favorite, considering the Dems’ eagerness to cover for his flubs and foibles.

For example, were you under the mistaken impression that Beto live-streamed his teeth cleaning on Instagram last week? Well, you couldn’t be more wrong. Your lyin’ eyes have deceived you once again.

Scott Rosenberg and David McCabe, Axios:

No, Beto O’Rourke did not live-stream his teeth cleaning on Instagram — any more than Al Gore ever actually claimed to have invented the internet. But if you were under the impression that O’Rourke did precisely that, you’re not alone — we did, too!

This is how online myths start.

It certainly is. But what actually happened, you see, was that Beto was live-streaming an interview with his dental hygienist, as a sort of slice-of-life-on-the-Mexican-border thing. And as part of that interview, he, um… well, okay, sure, he literally live-streamed his teeth cleaning. That is exactly, precisely what he did. That’s why there’s footage of it, which Beto took himself, intentionally, and which will never go away now. He did that. But it’s a myth that he did that, because… er…

C’mon, look, just forget he did that, okay? It makes him look silly and dumb, which might hurt him with voters, so let’s just pretend it never happened.

This is how the next two years are gonna go, everybody. The Dems will wave away every single one of this guy’s gaffes and oopsies, no matter how minor. We will be gaslighted. Beto says the Constitution sucks now? Whatever. He says that a border wall is literally Death itself? Big deal. If they’re willing to overlook the time he got in a drunken car wreck and fled the scene, nothing else he does is going to deter them. They’ve got an election to win. They’ve got an orange demon to beat.

All of this is assuming Beto gets the nomination, of course. My pick, if I had be the one to pick, would be Kamala Harris. Not because I like her or think she would be any good at the job, but because she’s a black woman and the Dems are obsessed with identity politics. If they didn’t get to make history with the first female president in 2016, why wouldn’t they up the ante this time? Why wouldn’t they assume that the only thing holding Hillary back was her race? If Dems are forced to choose between Kamala and one of the white women in the race, or one of the male candidates of any color, do they really want the rest of us to think they’re racists and/or sexists? Kamala is #intersectionalAF. If every single criticism of Obama was racist, and every single criticism of Hillary was sexist, then Kamala is doubly bulletproof.

More importantly, AOC is still too young to run for president. It’ll be at least another decade before we have a WOC POTUS who makes the trains run on time or something. In the meantime, Kamala will have to do.

Plus, I want to watch Donald call Kamala “Brown Sugar” during a debate and go up 10 points in the polls. #OwningTheLibs overrides all other concerns.

But I never get what I want, so it’ll probably be Beto. Whatever. We get what we deserve.