Here Are Some Other Crimes Brett Kavanaugh Probably Did, Because Why Not

Ever since Trump announced Brett Kavanaugh’s nomination to the Supreme Court, Kavanaugh has been accused of a bewildering array of misdeeds that supposedly make him unsuitable for the bench. First it was his baseball tickets.* Then he didn’t shake the hand of a Parkland survivor who had declared in advance that he was going to try to sabotage Kavanaugh. Then one of Kavanaugh’s aides supposedly made a “white power” sign, which was a weird accusation because the aide is a half-Latino descendant of Holocaust survivors.

Then things really got nutty. Three weeks ago**, a woman claimed Kavanaugh tried to rape her in 1982 — or maybe 1983, somewhere around that time, she’s pretty sure — and everybody lost their minds. In rapid order, we had a flurry of unsubstantiated claims. Another woman who went to Yale with Kavanaugh claimed he exposed himself to her, although she’s not exactly sure it was even him. And it might’ve been a dildo. If it happened at all, which none of the potential witnesses can corroborate. But the story was good enough for #MeToo hero and Rat Pack heir Ronan Farrow to run with.

Then 46th POTUS Michael Avenatti trotted out yet another accuser who claimed Kavanaugh participated in her gang-rape 30 years ago, or was in the room maybe, or walked by a punch bowl she thinks might’ve been spiked, or something. She is perhaps not the most credible witness in the history of the world.

Then there were a couple of other wild accusations that were even less plausible than that, which didn’t stop the press from running with them.

Perhaps realizing that the “Kavanaugh is a rapist” angle isn’t working out, our moral, ethical, and intellectual betters in the media are now seizing and pouncing on other reasons Kavanaugh should withdraw. He perjured himself because he testified under oath that he never got drunk in college (he specifically testified that he sometimes drank too much), or because he claimed he busted his hump to get into Yale Law School (his grandfather went to Yale in the ’20s, which is significant somehow), or because he said the word “boof” means “fart” and “Devil’s Triangle” is a drinking game (as opposed to being sexual references, apparently).

And don’t forget that he got angry when he was accused of rape, which at this point almost nobody believes he actually did. If he didn’t do it, then what’s he so mad about?

The latest bombshell is that Kavanaugh threw ice at a guy in a bar in 1985.

I’m just gonna let that one sit for a minute.

Okay. So, if you’ve noticed that none of this has anything to do with the original charge, that’s because none of it needs to. These guys have already decided Kavanaugh is a witch, so it doesn’t matter what sort of weapons they use to hunt him.

With that in mind, here are a few other crimes Kavanaugh obviously committed, until he can prove to our satisfaction that he didn’t:

• Was Not Kind, Did Not Rewind. If Kavanaugh went to college in the 1980s, that means he had a Blockbuster card. Which means that somewhere, in some box in a warehouse or someplace, there’s a record of all his video rentals. How much do you want to bet that there’s a piece of paper with solid proof that he didn’t rewind a VHS cassette before bringing it back to the drop-off slot? It was probably Gremlins, if that helps speed up the search. He just looks like the kind of guy who really likes Gremlins.
• Cut Off Mattress Tag. I have no idea why it’s illegal to cut the tag off your Sealy Posturepedic, but the law is the law. Has Kavanaugh ever owned a mattress? Has he ever owned a pair of scissors? Then that’s all the evidence we need to justify an FBI investigation. Hop to it, G-Men!
• Probably Broke Somebody’s Crayons or Something? A lot has been said about Kavanaugh’s young adulthood, but maybe we’re not digging into his past deeply enough. How about kindergarten and grade school? At least one of his old teachers must still be alive. Odds are they could tell us about his misbehavior as a kid, like putting chewing gum under his desk or making fart sounds with his armpits or… I don’t know. There’s gotta be something. Anything! We need to stop this guy!

The media has gone all in on this, and there’s no turning back now. They know Kavanaugh did something that will keep him from being confirmed. And if finding it means destroying what’s left of their reputations, that’s a small price to pay. They have no problem smearing his good name and hurting his wife and children, because he should’ve thought about that before he accepted the nomination. Trump is the enemy, which means Kavanaugh is the enemy. He is no longer a human being.

Sometimes people can surprise you. But most of the time, they’re exactly what you think they are. When it comes to the press, they’re even worse.

*Yes, baseball tickets. He bought baseball tickets. Not crystal meth, or hookers, or anything like that. Baseball tickets!
**That’s right. It was only three weeks ago.