News & Politics

Five Ways the Democrats Can Stop Trump from Replacing Anthony Kennedy

John G. Roberts, the chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, is flanked by Supreme Court Associate Justices Stephen Breyer, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Anthony Kennedy outside the Elysee Palace in Paris(AP Photo/Laurent Baheux)

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but yesterday Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced that he’s retiring at the end of July. To say that our moral, ethical, and intellectual betters on the left aren’t responding well to this news would be a bit of an understatement.

Here’s a representative sample of their reactions:

If that didn’t slam your Schadenfreudemeter into the red, here’s MSNBC’s Chris Matthews throwing a temper tantrum because he’s not getting his way and he doesn’t want to hear any of your “logic” or “facts”:

Good ol’ Chris. He’s like Yosemite Sam without the anger management.

Not to get too bogged down in the details, but here’s what just happened: The Democrats screwed themselves. Donald Trump is going to nominate the second Supreme Court justice of his administration, and then the United States Senate is going to confirm Trump’s nominee. And there’s absolutely nothing that anybody can do to stop him. It doesn’t matter if you voted for him or not.* It doesn’t matter if you like him or not.** This is a fait accompli. It’s a done deal. The Dems can’t stop it.

Or… can they?

It’s time to take the gloves off and stop playing by the rules, Dems. No more Mr. and/or Ms. Nice Guy. You need to put aside your longstanding commitment to civility and decorum. You need to put aside consensus reality itself. You need to start thinking outside the box!

Here are just a few ways you can stop this from happening, Democrats. And let me just say one thing in advance: You’re welcome.

Drum roll, please…

  1. Time travel. Who needs foresight when you’ve got a do-over? The Democrats can get themselves out of this mess simply by using a time machine. All they need to do is put a flux capacitor in a DeLorean, speed up to 88 MPH, and prevent themselves from making any or all of the blunders that got them into this fiasco: nominating Hillary, encouraging the GOP to nominate Trump, Harry Reid nuking the filibuster, Chuck Schumer trying to stop Gorsuch, etc. If you can’t plan ahead, just hit Rewind!
  2. Clone the Notorious RBG. We all know how much you guys love Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but there’s only one of her. Solve that problem and the rest will take care of itself. Get a sample of RBG’s DNA, speed-grow a clone, and copy-and-paste her consciousness into it. Presto! Then you just need to convince Trump to nominate the clone to the Supreme Court, but that’s easy. Just have the clone tell Trump that he’s the greatest president ever, and he’ll do whatever RBG-2 wants.
  3. Build a Matrix. What do you do when all your delusions and delaying tactics and denial just can’t stave off reality anymore? Create a new reality! In the movie, the Matrix was a soothing illusion designed to keep humanity occupied while they were being used as literal batteries by a far-future artificial intelligence. But it won’t be like that this time! This time, you can “jack into” an artificially created reality where there are no Republicans and no Trump, and all the candy is free, and your dad is proud of you. And while you’re in your own little fantasy world, the rest of us will get on with our lives in peace and quiet. Everybody’s happy!
  4. Put Kennedy’s brain in a robot body. We did it with JFK.*** Why not do it with Anthony? He’s only retiring because he’s 81 and his body is old and tired. New android body = Solved problem. Plus, then he can finally beat RBG in their long-running pushup feud.
  5. Scream and cry and throw a big baby tantrum. Yeah, sure, that’s what you’re doing anyway. That’s what you always do when you don’t get what you want. But have you tried being even louder? Even angrier? Even less rational? We know you can do it.

See, Dems? All hope isn’t lost. You’ve still got options. Never give up!

We’ll just keep making popcorn.

*I didn’t.
**I don’t.
***Google it.