Lady Scientists Are Angry About Bill Nye Attending SOTU

Bill Nye the Science Guy is not a scientist, and his gender is merely a matter of personal opinion. Nonetheless, Nye is the gender-nonspecific person all the news shows call upon to explain scientific matters to America, at least when they can’t get Neil deGrasse Tyson. If you need an angry nerd to sit in front of a camera and scold people for destroying the planet by doing things like using electricity to watch TV, Bill Nye is the pious guy.

But even the most highly revered conjuror of science can make the occasional misstep. Nye is now being denounced as a heretic for his plans to attend tonight’s State of the Union Address, even though Hillary Clinton lost the election. Nye will be in attendance as a guest of Oklahoma Congressman Jim Bridenstine, who is nominated to be the next administrator of NASA and is also… pause for effect… a REPUBLICAN.

There’s nothing less scientific than talking to people who disagree with you, and science-lovers ain’t having any of it. In a fiery editorial just posted at Scientific American, the organization 500 Women Scientists really lets Nye have it: “Bill Nye Does Not Speak for Us and He Does Not Speak for Science.” If words were rolling pins, right now they’d be hitting Nye over the head and raising a comically protruding red welt:

Nye has said that he’s accompanying the Congressman to help promote space exploration, since, he asserts, “NASA is the best brand the United States has” and that his attendance “should not be… seen as an acceptance of the recent attacks on science and the scientific community.”

But by attending the SOTU as Rep. Bridenstine’s guest, Nye has tacitly endorsed those very policies, and put his own personal brand over the interests of the scientific community at large.

In other words, they’re saying Bill Nye is a camera-hogging hack who doesn’t care about anybody but himself. What took ’em so long?

Now, I know what you’re thinking. It might seem silly to you, but in my opinion, it’s fine for girls to be scientists. Sure, they might have a brain the size of a squirrel, but girls can do science every bit as well as boys.

Even better, in fact! Just look at the following science experiment, in which a boy tries to use science to produce an intended result and fails, so a girl has to bail him out. With science.

Unfortunately Rey wasn’t able to use science to keep global warming from making that planet all snowy and cold and then exploding, but even the most regal science queen has her limits.

It’s been this way ever since science was invented, probably by a woman. For every Mork, we must have a Mindy. For every Spock, we must have a Vulcan Lady Who Tells Spock to Kill Kirk With That Weird Club/Sword Weapon. Men can’t do science effectively without the help of women, mainly because science involves a lot of cooking and cleaning.

Here’s a handy mnemonic to make it easy to remember:

MALE = Science #fail!
DAME = Science #fame!

As you’ve just seen, the scientific proof that girls are good at science is very scientific and scientological. But proof alone isn’t enough to get things done. We must also bring enormous political power to bear. That’s why a super PAC called Climate Hawks Vote has put up the following petition:

As you can see, the petition has over 35,000 signatures. That means, scientifically speaking, Bill Nye cannot attend the SOTU or he hates science. Sorry, Bill, but we’ve reached a consensus and the science is settled.

For this reason, I’m declaring myself a male ally of science-ladies everywhere by refusing to watch the State of the Union Address. I never watch it anyway, because it’s boring as hell no matter who’s president, but now I’m also not watching it because Bill Nye is a big meanie. That’s just science.

Science!!!