News & Politics

Forget the Oscars, It's Time for the Treachers

The nominees for the 2018 Academy Awards were announced today, and as usual, I saw very few of them. Dunkirk should win Best Picture, but it won’t because Get Out and Call Me By Your Name are also nominated, and if one of them doesn’t win it’ll mean Hollywood is still racist or homophobic. Similarly, Christopher Nolan should win Best Director, but he probably won’t because he’s yet another white male. Daniel Kaluuya was good in Get Out, but I kept thinking of that episode of Black Mirror he was in and it reminded me that the movie was about the same level of quality. I didn’t see any of the other movies that are up for major awards, so I don’t really care who wins those. (No offense, nominees for Best Production Design.)

But what about the movies I did see in 2017? Why aren’t there any awards for those? Well, now there are. It’s time for the 2018 Treacher Awards!

The rules are simple: Only the movies I saw in 2017 are eligible for nomination. What I say goes. The award is what I say it is, and it goes to who or what I say it does. Awards are arbitrary anyway, so if you don’t like it, go cry to somebody else.

And now, the nominees for the 2018 Treachers…

Best Murderer

John Wick, John Wick: Chapter 2
Logan, Logan
Kylo Ren, Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman
Whatever Daniel Kaluuya’s character was named, Get Out

Logan gets all cranked up on performance-enhancing substances and claws the holy hell out of like 80 guys, so he’s a contender. Kylo wiped out a bunch of planets in the previous Star Wars flick, but he doesn’t kill nearly as many people in TLJ. I can’t remember how many people Wonder Woman kills, if any, but I have to nominate her for something or else I’m a misogynist. And Daniel Kaluuya kills all the white people in Get Out, which makes me feel suitably guilty about things I have no control over.

None of them are John Wick, though. I feel like I have to give it to Keanu, because John Wick is the best at murdering people in really cool ways. Plus, he pulls off at least twice as many headshots in this one.

Winner: John Wick

Best Movie Where Relatively Few People Get Murdered

Spider-Man: Homecoming
Thor: Ragnarok
Brawl in Cell Block 99

I think only one guy gets killed in Spider-Man, and that’s an accident because Michael Keaton thinks he’s shooting an anti-gravity gun or whatever. A bunch of Valkyries get massacred in Thor, but we never even learn their names (plus they’re girls); on the other hand, Hela murders Skurge like a boss. A bunch of people get taken out by giant monsters in Colossal, but Jason Sudeikis is the only one that really counts as a murder. I don’t remember anything about Split except the crazy guy kills the old psychiatrist lady and one of the kidnapped girls. Vince Vaughn only kills maybe three or four guys in Brawl, but I’ve never yelled “OH GOOD GOD NO” louder at a movie in my life.

Winner: Brawl in Cell Block 99

Best Movie Where Nobody Gets Murdered

T2 Trainspotting
A Ghost Story

Begbie tries to kill Renton in T2, but fails. Casey Affleck plays the ghost of a guy who dies in a car accident, and whose wife really likes pie. Also, they’re #boringAF. I didn’t see any other movies in 2017 where nobody got murdered.

Winner: T2 Trainspotting, almost by default

Considering my criteria for movie quality, you’d think I would’ve seen Murder on the Orient Express. But no, I’m not 80 years old just yet.

Those were pretty much all the movies I saw in 2017. I didn’t see Lady Bird or Three Billboards or The Shape of Water or The Post or any of the other ones I was supposed to see. If Hollywood wants to keep cranking out awards-bait, they can congratulate themselves without my help. That’s my loss, I’m quite sure.

It looks like 2018 will be a good year for cinematic murder: Death Wish, Sicario 2, The Purge: The Island, Deadpool 2, and of course Chappaquiddick. Here’s to another 12 months of cinematic killings!