News & Politics

Hitler Dead on Earth, Not Alive in Space, Science Finally Finds

This handheld camera's view of the moon, photographed during Apollo 16 mission, features Mare Fecunditatis (Sea of Fertility) in the foreground with the twin craters Messier at the lower right, and no trace of Adolf Hitler.

In a world full of fake news and junk science, it is a relief to see the mainstream press report on the good work being done around the globe to combat moon propaganda.

No, we’re not referring to questions of whether the moon landing was fake, but rather who may reside on the moon to this day. Or not reside there, as it turns out.

Recently, scientists verified the authenticity and identity of what have been purported, and are now confirmed, to be the teeth of Adolf Hitler. With that verification, the researchers were able to definitively state not only that he’s dead, but that he died in Berlin, as long explained and recorded.

It’s not the fact-finding itself that really brought this news to internet prominence this week. Instead, it was the way one researcher put it that led to some awesome headlines over the last 24 hours.

Hitler, you see, is not alive on the moon.

From one such headlined article by the Washington Post:

“There is no possible doubt. Our study proves that Hitler died in 1945,” co-author Philippe Charlier told Agence France-Presse after the paper published Friday in the European Journal of Internal Medicine.

“He did not flee to Argentina in a submarine,” Charlier continued. “He is not in a hidden base in Antarctica or on the dark side of the moon.”


WaPo describes in their article several fantastic theories from over the years about what “really” happened to Hitler, and includes this truly brain-wrenching parody clip about “Moon-Hitler.”

Still, in the interest of science, we must note counter evidence. First, being dead and not on the moon is exactly what Moon Hitler would want you to think. Do you want to think what Hitler wants you to think? Think about that.

Second, what if you don’t even need teeth on the dark side? Look at this revealing photo from the moon.

That’s a straw. Not a fork. Makes you think.

In any case, while we should all be grateful to the world’s scientists for their efforts toward proving that Hitler doesn’t live on the moon, we should note that the research also helps debunk other gross mythology. It is in all seriousness worthwhile to have yet more proof that he died not heroically in battle, but instead cowering in a basement, by his own hand.

Although even that ignominious demise was too good for him, it is enough that it is true. Which is why we should all be in favor of more research to debunk pro-moon propaganda.

Now we just wait for the meme video “Hitler Finds Out Hitler Not Alive on Moon” to rock our world.