Wanted: Single Male, No Smokers, Must Have Climate Anxiety

I constantly give thanks to God for my wife. She is beautiful, witty, and a talented photographer. She is an accomplished Nurse Practitioner who understands medicine better than some doctors. She is kind and compassionate, gives to the poor, goes above and beyond for all her patients, and has traveled to Guatemala and Haiti to tend to the sick. She has mentored many other nurses on their journeys and is loved by everyone she meets. She has uncanny business acumen and a mind for innovative ideas. Why she married me remains one of the unanswered mysteries of the universe. I always say that other than her lousy taste in men, my wife is the perfect woman.

I also give thanks to God for my wife since I am spared having to wade into a dating pool that is populated by the denizens of H.P. Lovecraft stories. Forget Loch Ness. If you want frightening enigmas, just try dating. If I were single today, I would join a monastic order for no other reason than to escape the drama — that and I prefer my women to be well, women. I wouldn’t want to roll the dice on that issue or have to refer to my crib notes when it comes to my date’s pronouns.

For your consideration, I submit Erica Berry. She is a writer from Portland, Ore. Portland? We’re already off to a rocky start. No goodnight kiss for you, Bachelor Number One. You’d just better plan on ending the evening with a lecture on the patriarchy. Can you cry on cue? Do you have your beanie? Okay, good luck.

In a guest essay for The New York Times, Ms. Berry asserted that she always brings up climate change on the first date. The Washington Free Beacon notes that Berry said that there would be no second date if Bachelor Number One is not as obsessed with climate as she is.

She commented that she had a boyfriend who was supportive of her climate change focus but did not share it with her. He tried to comfort her with hugs, reruns of “Seinfeld” and CBD gummies. He did that as opposed to having “conversations about our planet’s future” and how local officials could “support vulnerable citizens through better infrastructure.” Sounds like a delightful evening in. And as I have said before on these pages, progressive men frequently date progressive women because they have one thing on their minds, and it isn’t equity. All that whining about climate and race is just cover.

Now that she’s back on the dating circuit, Berry is not being as aggressive with the climate questions but has said that she will not settle for anyone who cares less about issues than she does, adding, “talking about how global warming affects our lives, however casually, becomes a sort of canary in the coal mine for learning about people’s broader beliefs and behaviors,” such as “how they engage with science and systemic inequality.” And to think that I used to start dates with, “How about an appetizer?” or “Should we look at the wine list?” or “So I’ve heard good things about this movie.” I think if I knew my date was secretly trying to determine my opinion on systemic inequality, the next words out of my mouth would be “Check, please.”

Berry supports her approach with data from OKCupid that young singles are adding woke topics to their dating profiles because they want “someone willing to grapple with [climate change], to do the inconvenient work of reimagining our own lives in the face of it,” which also includes “whether to have a baby.” Chances are, your prospective guy pal added those in the hope he had a better shot at getting you to the bedroom. And even if he hasn’t, people can only handle so much angst.

To be clear, my wife and I have conversations about big issues, but we also go to the movies, spend lazy weekend mornings making brunch and mimosas, take moonlit walks on the beach on vacation, and all of that other sappy stuff. I still buy her flowers, know her favorite wine and ice cream, and dance with her in the living room. Why? Because we’re in love for crying out loud!

Yes, we are of like mind on the issues, but who wants to hang around someone whose only interest is the end of the world? Such people are not only depressed but depressing. A relationship should be something that creates joy. You can save some of that stuff for your column or your next protest. And I am assuming that a person whose life revolves around social activism can find plenty of like-minded people on the streets of Portland, provided those people don’t live in a tent and try to pee on your leg while stealing your cell phone.

Yes, your partner or spouse is there to help you take on the world. But they are also someone that you share yourself with. And if all you have is societal rage or anxiety, you don’t have much to share.