Cancel Your Sunday Brunch Plans; Aliens Are Destroying the Earth on Thursday

So Trump may go to the clink, perhaps at his own behest. China is taking over the world and nuclear war may be on the horizon. Prices are rising, banks are falling. The borders are open and minds are closed. Sex is rampant in the schools and your children hate you because of your politics. The old institutions are falling, the FBI is kicking down your door, and your Alexa may be reporting you to the NSA. And at last check, Joe Biden is still president of the United States. But buck up, conservative! The good news is that all of your troubles may be over sooner than you realize. The bad news is that it will be because hostile aliens have destroyed the earth and killed all of us. Well, most of us.

The worse news is that our new alien overlords will be arriving tomorrow, March 23.

Don’t believe me? It was on the internet, so it must be true. So there.

Related: The Truth Is Out There. Meh.

The Spanish outlet Marca broke the news on Saturday. TikTok influencer and time traveler Eno Alaric told his followers that tomorrow is slated as International Alien Doomsday. (Okay, I made that title up.) What is truly sad is that even in the future, our greatest technological achievement is TikTok. Now that’s depressing. One would have hoped that Mr. Alaric would have brought some better technology from his century. But it would appear that even in Alaric’s era, people are still walking around with iPhones glued to their hands.

Alaric actually revealed this glimpse into the future back on Dec. 30. Interest was revived this weekend since the Day of Reckoning is drawing nigh.

So, what are we in for? Before you clean out the local supermarket or box store for buckshot, non-perishables, and tinfoil to make hats for your family and pets, here’s how things are supposed to go down. Alaric states, “A very hostile alien species is coming to take back Earth, we will not win. Another alien, whose world was destroyed by the hostiles, will save some of us. On March 23, 2023, about 8,000 people will be taken to another habitable planet.”

I’m not sure what it will take to be selected to live on the strange new world provided to us by our ally, who apparently goes by “The Champion.” The only criterion we know of for sure is that the ability to “help other people” is required. I am assuming that there will be something about your vaccination status and whether or not you have your preferred pronouns on your Twitter profile. 8,000 people is not a lot, so I suggest you update your profile before going to bed tonight.

There is a silver lining. You don’t have to file your taxes, your student loan is legitimately canceled, and Greta Thunberg is out of a job. So we’ve got that going for us, which is nice.