What happened to you, lefties? You used to be cool and cutting-edge. Now, you’re just boring. You’re yesterday’s news. No matter what you cut off, what you sew on, no matter if you identify as a man, woman, or gender-fluid blowfish, you just aren’t “it” anymore. You’re passé. As they said in the original televised version of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, you’re so unhip it’s a wonder your bums don’t fall off.
Stop gluing yourselves to things. It’s almost 2023. Gluing yourself to various objects, furnishings, buildings, paintings, and objets d’art is so last year. I can practically hear them in the Hamptons and the Vineyard now: “Buffy, did you hear? The Wellingtons glued themselves to the Statue of Liberty to protest climate change. We simply must glue ourselves to something before the start of the social season.”
Get a new schtick, already. You parasites burn through trends so fast, you’re already out of style before the news breaks. And we’ve already figured out how to mitigate your tantrums, so it isn’t even fun, anymore.
Related: You Won’t Believe Who’s Giving Up on Green Energy
Recently a pair of brave (and clueless) eco-activists decided to crash the Elbphilharmonie in Hamburg, Germany. According to the Post Millennial, the two saviors of the earth rushed to the conductor’s platform and glued their hands to part of the podium. They then began hectoring the audience about climate change.
Boos and catcalls ensued as concertgoers vented their frustration that their night out was being hijacked by a pair of smug, self-righteous, Gen-Z professional whiners.
And then security showed up.
You see, the eco-warriors did not glue themselves to the podium, but to the detachable bar behind the podium. The bar was easily picked up by security and transported, along with the amateur Loraxes, to another room, to the cheers of everyone assembled.
Freie Sachsen, [25 Nov 2022 um 15:07]
Im Video: Hier fliegen Deutschlands peinlichste Klima-Kleber aus der Elbphilarmonie!
😂😂😂😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/fpFM9c1WKb— Ingrid Stangl (@IngridStangl1) November 25, 2022
Exit, stage right.
One person posted the “before” and “after” pictures.
Hilarious. Climate activists glue themselves to conductor’s stand but don’t realize it’s removable so security lifts it up and puts them in back room. pic.twitter.com/IeFke0newk
— Alex Tabarrok (@ATabarrok) December 6, 2022
One of the priestesses of Gaia posted on social media why she participated in the stunt, stating:
“I’m standing here because we are all suppressing the climate catastrophe and are thus robbing our children of the chance to live in safety and peace. We all have responsibility for the coming generations. If we do too little now that means we share the blame for the biggest catastrophe that humanity has ever experienced. Just as there is only one violin concerto by Beethoven, we also have just this one planet.”
As the Post Millennial pointed out, Beethoven conducted a number of violin concertos. But then, awareness, self or otherwise, has never been part and parcel of the activist crowd. At least unlike their counterparts in Wolfsburg, who glued themselves to a museum floor, they could still use the latrine if the need arose. That is, if they could finesse that bar into the toilet with them. Among other things.
I’m off to find a good IPA and spend a few hours in the mountains. See you Monday.
Join the conversation as a VIP Member