Millennial Chick Can't Stop Having Sex with Trump Supporters

Close up of socks of couple in bed

Glamour magazine's Korey Lane has a problem. Apparently, if there's a Trump supporter in a #MAGA hat within ten feet of her, her pants fall off and she ends up in bed with him. In her latest article, "Help, I Can't Stop Hooking Up with Trump Supporters," she hilariously writes:

I started arguing with a Trump supporter at a bar and then before I knew it, I was waking up the next morning in his bedroom. There were flags everywhere: Ronald Reagan's face was emblazoned on one of them, “Don’t Tread On Me” made an appearance on another.

The poor dear. What a shock to wake up to a person who loves his country instead of a room plastered with posters of Chairman Mao and Che Guevara. But it wasn't a one-time lapse in judgment. She went back for more, and more, and more:

To my own surprise, we kept hooking up and—despite the fact that our political opinions were diametrically opposed—it didn't feel weird. When we texted, we'd naturally argue about politics, ...When we met up in person, that pent-up anger would turn into frustration, which would turn into a sort of competitive tension that resulted, inevitably, in sex.

After finally pulling the plug on that relationship, she fell into bed with yet another Trump supporter:

I assumed it was a onetime experiment, but shortly after we ended things I started sleeping with yet another Trumpster who I was inexplicably attracted to.

Even the cliche specter of "bigotry" couldn't stop her:

So I pushed aside his ingrained bigotry and instead let it wash over me, filling me with a desire to prove him wrong—or maybe to just be on top of him.

I can't be the only one who finds this hilarious.

As much as I don't like the idea of sleeping with people whose values are clearly the opposite of my own, I can’t seem to stop, especially since the election. I’m an extremely competitive person and knowing that the guy I’m with is on the “winning” team (even though I’m still correct) just forces that competitiveness into overdrive.

Women like winners? Who knew? Lane goes on to explain why she doesn't think she can be serious with any of them.

I can’t be with someone who won’t understand why the news sometimes causes me to burst into tears, or why I want to throw my phone across the room after reading the President’s latest tweet.

What normal guy could understand something as ludicrous and unbalanced as bursting into tears while watching Rachel Maddow, unless it's from uncontrollable laughter?

With all the caterwauling about how Donald Trump (and everyone who supports him) is "literally Hitler," it seems those same people might be harboring some sexual attraction for the Deplorables. There's a dirty little secret that the unhinged sobbing millennials have been hiding underneath their salty tears. Some of them have taken to Twitter to complain about sex dreams with Donald Trump.

There are pages and pages of these. But I'm here to help. Let me explain, dear millennials, why this is happening to you. This is what you've been told you should want.

But this is what you actually want.

No woman wants a man she can push around, walk all over, or beat in an arm-wrestling match. Politics be damned. That's not how biology works. (Now, I realize I may be talking to biology deniers, but you asked "why can't I stop?" and this is why. Biology.) Women are naturally attracted to alpha males and not that gamma guy in a onesie with fragile wrists. The left has emasculated their men to the point of putting them in dresses and sending them into the ladies' room. It's no wonder you need to shop outside your herd. Why the heck wouldn't you?

The reality you're facing is that your guys are the ones getting a wedgie and ours are the ones you want to go home with. I don't blame you.

Your guys turn ours into comic book heroes. It's not even fair. But a piece of friendly advice: Stop spreading your legs for every guy you have coffee or a beer with. I know you've been told it's liberating, but all it's really doing is degrading your appeal and value. The clock's ticking and youth and beauty fade. Don't fight it....#MAGA!