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In Defense of Cats

John Hawkins penned an article for PJ Media advancing the notion that cats are inferior to dogs "in every way." He gave five reasons trying to prove this theory -- tried and failed. In fact, though Hawkins' entertaining article was written largely tongue-in-cheek, the underlying bias against cats came through loud and clear.

We cat lovers are used to this. Forget everything you know about race, ethnicity, religion, ideology, or political affiliation. The great schism in humanity is between those who love cats and those who don't, and it's been that way going on 5,000 years.

I suspect John really doesn't hate cats. If he does, it's because cats don't like him very much. Felines have an unerring ability to size humans up and decide if they can be properly enslaved to do their bidding. In short, unlike with dogs, humans don't choose cats. Cats choose them. Dogs have absolutely no dignity or discernment when it comes to giving their love and loyalty. Anyone who feeds them, pats them on the head, or, best yet, throws a stick that they can mindlessly fetch earns their ceaseless -- and boring -- adoration.

It's been this way for tens of thousands of years. Genetically speaking, dogs are failed wolves. It is probable that the first wolves domesticated by man were Omega wolves -- the lowest-ranking wolf in the pack -- that hung around human campfires hoping to get a few scraps of food. The Omegas were kicked around by their own pack and this complex carried forward through the ages so that a dog today will do anything to please its master.

Not so, cats. From the cat's point of view, it is we that should do anything to please them. Do they turn their nose up at the food we put in front of them? Try a different dinner, stupid human.

Busy and don't want to be bothered petting them? Try ignoring a cat determined to have you pay attention to him. If you do, he is likely to deliberately knock over that glass of soda on your desk right on to your keyboard. Those who think it an accident are delusional.

As for Hawkins' 5 ways that cats are inferior to dogs, I will make short work of his thesis.

1) Dogs are much smarter than cats.

Scientific studies prove that dogs are smarter than cats. But this is silly. There isn't a scientific study that has been devised that can hold a cat's attention for more than two minutes. Any test a dog can pass, a cat has no use for. It's like asking an MIT grad to take the same math test as a second grader.

Besides, cats have a vested interest in keeping their superior intellect hidden from humans. The absolute worst thing that could happen to cats would be if we started to take them for granted.

2) Your dog loves you. Your cat couldn’t care less if you were murdered by clowns.

What appears to a dog lover as indifference is actually a sign of a cat's psychological health. Dogs have massive insecurities and feel they must constantly demonstrate their love. Cats are totally secure in the knowledge that they have you by the short hairs, so to speak, and feel absolutely no need to give any outward manifestation of their affection. They believe it says volumes that they allow you to exist in almost the same space as they do, although not on the same plane of the universe.