Get PJ Media on your Apple

PJM Lifestyle

John Hawkins


February 20, 2013 - 7:00 am

Are cats really the Honey Boo Boo of the animal world? No, Honey Boo Boo is the Honey Boo Boo of the animal world, while cats are more like the Lindsay Lohan of the animal world — difficult, unpredictable, hard to like, and probably high on catnip. Oh, cats look cute when they’re in the bobblehead kitten stage or swatting away at yarn, but as you get to know the little beasts, you start to realize that they’re merely trying to lull you into complacency so they can steal your breath after you fall asleep. An old wives’ tale? Well, is it just an old wives’ tale that if a cop beats a hippy with his nightstick then he’ll have good luck for seven years? I think not. On the other hand, dogs are superior to cats in every way and if you don’t agree, well then, good luck with your empty life without a soul.

Cat in sink

1) Dogs are much smarter than cats.

Can you teach a cat to sit? To roll over? To come when it’s called? No, because cats are stupid. Granted, dogs are stupid, too, but they’re probably on the same level as your two year old. A cat is closer in intelligence to a geranium — if a geranium had claws and a certain feral cunning it could use to track, torment, and kill smaller plants for its own amusement. Is that what you’d want for a plant you loved? To be at the mercy of a hateful geranium? You cat people are just sick! Sick!

Cats love blood

2) Your dog loves you. Your cat couldn’t care less if you were murdered by clowns.

You don’t have to guess whether a dog is happy to see you or not because every time you come home, he dances around the room, jumps in circles, wags his tail, and generally acts like you would if you won the lottery, gained super powers, and cured cancer all at the same time. Meanwhile, cats skulk around the house, hide from you, and like to sit out of reach, preferably somewhere in the kitchen where their fur can fall in your food. Ironically, the general indifference of cats is what makes them charming to some people. “Ooooh, I know I’m just about to win kitty over with this bowl of milk, his favorite toy, and a scratching post and….kitty, no, don’t pee on that, kitty, no! Oooh, I have to try harder to get kitty to like me!”

Cat suicide

3) Dogs are better pets.

Dogs have spent thousands of years earning the title “man’s best friend” while cats spent that time perfecting the art of spitting up hairballs. Your dog would rather sleep outside on the ground with you than inside a warm, comfortable house. Your cat is kind of hoping you’ll die so he can eat you. Dogs use the bathroom outside. Cats stink up your house by insisting on using a litter box. Dogs are renowned for their loyalty. Cats are mainly known for murdering small animals and dropping them in front of their owners in an attempt to horrify and intimidate them. The very fact that dogs chase cats is actually proof that they’re concerned about the welfare of human beings and are trying to stop them from getting cat cooties.

cat and dog

4) Dogs are happy and fun while cats are generally annoying.

Sure, cats are cute when they play with toys, but so are dogs. Of course, dogs also don’t generally scatter the contents of their litter box across the floor, scratch you until they draw blood for random reasons, and generally get in the way of whatever you’re doing. On the other hand, you pick up a paper and the cat lies on it. Try to go to sleep and the cat walks on your face. Walk down the stairs and the cat runs between your legs. Dogs want to be your pal, while your cat will only tolerate you because you feed it and because secretly, it wants to work with a coven of other felines to turn you into a crazy cat lady.

5) Cats would murder you if they could.

Dogs are friendly animals that view human beings not so much as their servants or masters, but as part of their pack. They love and accept people as their friends, their equals, and their brothers in the animal kingdom. On the other hand, cat lovers should be honest enough to admit the truth: Your cat would eat you and everyone you love if it could. Worse yet, it would toy with you, enjoying your suffering and fear — as it bats you around with its claws before it grows tired of your mournful cries and engineers your grisly demise with its razor-sharp teeth. Remember that the next time you are giving your little snoogums a kiss before night night.


Related at PJ Lifestyle from John Hawkins:

5 Things My Dogs Taught Me About Human Beings

John Hawkins is a professional writer who runs Right Wing News and Linkiest. He's also the co-owner of the The Looking Spoon. Additionally, he does weekly appearances on the #1 in its market Jaz McKay show, writes a weekly column for Townhall and PJ Media, does YouTube videos, and his work has also been published at the Washington Examiner, The Hill, and at Human Events. He's also the blogosphere's premier interviewer and has interviewed conservatives like Thomas Sowell, Mark Levin, Victor Davis Hanson, Mark Steyn, G. Gordon Liddy, Dick Morris, Karl Rove, Michael Steele, Milton Friedman, Jonah Goldberg, Jim DeMint, Walter Williams, Robert Novak, Ann Coulter, Newt Gingrich, & Michelle Malkin among others. Moreover, John Hawkins' work has been linked and discussed in numerous publications and on TV and radio shows including ABC News, BusinessWeek, C-Span, The Chicago Tribune, CNN, Countdown with Keith Olbermann, Editor & Publisher, Fox News, Hannity and Colmes, The Laura Ingraham Show, Minneapolis Star Tribune, MSNBC, National Journal, National Post, Newsmax, Newsweek, The Philadelphia Inquirer, The Rush Limbaugh Show, The Tammy Bruce Show, Time Magazine, The Wall Street Journal, The Hugh Hewitt Show, The Washington Post, Salt Lake Tribune, Scarborough Country, U.S. News & World Report, and Human Events, where he had a weekly column. Right Wing News has been studied by college classes and even inspired an urban legend that was covered at Snopes. Last but not least, John Hawkins also founded and led the Rightroots group, a grassroots effort that collected almost $300,000 for Republican candidates in the last 3 months of the 2006 election cycle. In 2008, he consulted for Duncan Hunter's presidential campaign and was on the board of Slatecard, which raised more than $600,000 for Republican candidates in the 2008 election cycle. In 2011, he helped found Raising Red, although he left the organization the same year and went on to become one of the co-founders of Not Mitt

Comments are closed.

Top Rated Comments   
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
2 years ago
2 years ago Link To Comment
Since we are being silly, five reasons why cats are better than dogs.

1. Domesticated cats rarely grow big enough to murder you in the face. Compared to rottweilers or other giant breeds. I never worry about encountering wandering stray cats left unleashed in the street.

2. Cats are better linguistically. If you see a dogfight, it's okay. If you see a catfight, much better. If you are in the doghouse, woe is you. If you are in the cathouse, much better. Also, you can call a woman kitten easily. Try calling her a puppy some time.

3. Obama owns a dog. Nuff said.

4. Dogs take up valuable room in your doomsday prep shelter. Just stick the cat outside, he'll scavenge on his own. The last thing you want to do is need to take fido walkies when the fallout is still landing.

5. If you are already a brony who wears baggy pants, or a drama mama, you might as well go all out and just get a cat. Complete the trifecta of evil John so helpfully illustrates.
2 years ago
2 years ago Link To Comment
Ever seen a cat guiding the blind? Helping to find survivors in earthquake rubble? Do the police have feline units?

Dogs agreed to be domesticated because they wanted to help.

Cats went along with it because they are running a scam.
2 years ago
2 years ago Link To Comment
All Comments   (49)
All Comments   (49)
Sort: Newest Oldest Top Rated
Your article is hilarious, but I notice it only refers to housecats. Mine is a street cat, and he only comes inside when he's hungry or when he feels like being bothered with me and my doggie. But cats have played a valuable role in human evolution. The ancients revered them because they protected the valuable grain sores from rats and mice. Even a few rodents could render an entire crop unfit for human consumption with their feces and urine, and that could lead to famine. In the Middle Ages, the clergy in Europe convinced the ignorant peasantry that cats were evil and Satanic. So the peasants wiped out most of the cats. As a result the rats thrived and multiplied, brought on the Bubonic Plague, and wiped out 40% of Europe. So you see, cats are more useful than you think. That's why humans instinctively like them and enjoy their company.
2 years ago
2 years ago Link To Comment
Cats and dogs, living together, mass hysteria!
2 years ago
2 years ago Link To Comment
John I'm shocked you wrote that dogs are stupid. Did you not know that on PJTV recently there was an interview with the author of a book called The Genius of Dogs. Get with the program John.

I am proud to wear dog hair on my clothes when I go to work and to even smell like a dog when I walk him on a rainy day. Roo, roo, roo, go dogs!
2 years ago
2 years ago Link To Comment
There is much truth in what you say, but I am constrained from saying any more about it because my cat is watching and he can read.
2 years ago
2 years ago Link To Comment
I must make a stand on behalf of the felines.

1) Cats are apex predators. In most situations, cats stand at the top of the food chain. However domesticated they may be, they are perfectly capable of killing their own food and defending themselves against other animals and even people. Your dog would probably die within days if you abandoned it.

2) Cats have dignity. Dogs cannot groom themselves effectively, feed themselves, and often fail to disregard their own feces. Cats actually bury their waste after defecating (for which we are all very grateful), clean themselves, and generally conduct themselves without slobbering all over the place or sniffing each other's anuses.

3) Cats kill mice, rats, and sometimes cockroaches. Nuff said.

4) Cats are desert animals. All cats are descended from a few pairs of Middle Eastern wildcats. That means your local tabby is not far from a fearsome if diminutive desert predator capable of surviving extreme temperatures and long periods without water. The reason cats sleep so much is not that they're lazy. They're saving up their energy for dawn and dusk, the best times for desert predators to hunt. So, in a few hours, they're going to wake up and go kill things.

5) They are VERY intelligent. This must rest on a personal anecdote: I once saw a cat being menaced by a dog. To the side was another cat, who appeared uninterested. Just as the dog charged the first cat, the second cat suddenly leaped on to the dogs head from the side, slashed it with its claws, and sent it howling off into the night. It was a coordinated bait-and-switch attack. Tell me another domesticated animal that could pull that off.
2 years ago
2 years ago Link To Comment
That part about cats is kinda' scary; they are very effective pack hunters with very good communication skills. Almost sixteen years ago a pack of cats came into my life. The mother lived long enough to raise her litter to young adulthood before she lost an argument with a car. We kept two of the four littermates, a calico and a yellow tabby tom. They'd been raised by their mother an lived together since birth. They were both neutered, so there was none of that stuff; they were just pack mates.

One summer afternoon we and the cats were in the side yard. A hummingbird was working the delphiniums about six feet above the ground. The tom was sitting beside us and his sister was in the flowerbed about ten feet away. They were making those clicking sounds that cats make when they're hunting. The hummingbird took off from one side of the garden to the other, the tom launched like a Patriot missle and knocked it out of the air, the calico caught it before it hit the ground; a perfectly planned an executed shootdown of a hummingbird flying six feet above their heads.

Most people only know the flighty things from the shelter or pet store that are taken away from their mother as soon and often before they are weaned. Those are very different creatures than a well-socialized cat that is raised with its mother and its litter. They're loving, intelligent, communicative creatures. Yeah, they're still cats and sometimes you feel like staff, but they do have highly developed personalities.

We'd given a black tom to my daughter and he lived with her for several years. When the older cat he'd spent most of his life with died, he had a complete come-apart, so we brought him back to live with us and his brother and sister. The brother accepted him; the sister never really did but they didn't fight - much. The boys were with us for fourteen great years until they both died within a little over a month of each other last winter. The sister is still with us and still pretty sprightly and healthy in her 15th year.

Oh, and we've always had dogs too. Right now the 15 year old calico's housemate is an 11 month old, hundred pound Bloodhound female named Daisy; now those two are a pair!
2 years ago
2 years ago Link To Comment
All excellent points from one of my favorite writers.
I spent most of 2012 learning about dogs from a Newfoundland who friended me. Yet, I realized that cats really do have two evolutionary advantages over dogs:
1) Feline eyes are much more expressive than canines, and us humans respond to those cat's eyes,
2) Cats are so much smarter than they reveal. It is their great secret.
My current cat finally let his 'dumbness act' slide after ten years, just once. Guess he got tired of needing a better trained human to cater to his every whim.
2 years ago
2 years ago Link To Comment
Its 2am and there's a suspicious noise at my apartment door. Fearful at the sound
my pulse races.
Immediately my watch-cat springs into action. It's natural response to my evident
concern being to protect the pack and issue a warning it lets go with a fierce
and authoritarian MEOW !

How effective do you think that first line defense would be?
My next line of defense would be my Daisy BB gun. Just as effective don't you think ?


2 years ago
2 years ago Link To Comment
I love dogs and cats. Both have their advantages. But if we are to compare:
1) Cats are much smarter than dogs. Cats can be trained to sit, come, stay. Cats can also be taught to use a toilet. Ever see a dog on the 'throne'?
2) Cats love you unconditionally. Cats instinctively know when you need comfort and when you don't. They don't demand to go out in the cold rain when it's inconvenient.
3) Cats are better pets. Cats are useful by keeping pests away. They don't eat much. Are inexpensive. A simple piece of string can keep them happy for hours. You don't have to bathe a cat!
4) Cats are happy and fun. See #3 especially about a piece of string.
5) Dogs will kill you if they could. And they have. I've never heard of a owner killed by a cat, have you?

Cats have advantages dogs can never have. Cats can be trained. They can be trained to use a standard toilet. They are inexpensive. A simple piece of string keeps them happy. They sleep with you and don't take the whole bed.
Cats will keep your home rodent/pest free. Their purr has been shown to reduce stress. Cats show what you put in, you get out. Only the owner can teach a cat while a dog will listen to anyone.
I also used to have a cat that would chase the dogs down the street. Don't tell me only dogs chase cats!

I must say I love my dogs too. They give me happiness in life only they can. They're better at being a hot water bottle too! (but they take up too much of the bed)
I don't want to pick. I love them both!
2 years ago
2 years ago Link To Comment
Dog lovers are just too insecure to keep an animal that doesn't slobber all over them with excitement every time they walk into a room. And they are trained to get up a the crack of dawn to service their animals, since their critters can't be trained to use a litter box. Sorry guys, but I'll take cats anytime.
2 years ago
2 years ago Link To Comment
Both animals are special in their own way. I have to say, tho, there are reasons for shows like "Bad Dog" on AnimalPlanet. By the way, I even see that minature horses (or ponies, I forget) were being used for service animals...why? Because they have better memories than dogs and can remember more commands. Back to kitties, tho....dogs are not smarter. The part of the brain that has to do with thinking is larger in a dog, but cats actually have waaaaaaay more neurons in that part of the brain...and the neurons are what have the most to do with the thinking process. Did anyone see, on AnimalPlanet, the blind cat that attacked the stalker that had broken into a woman's home (she woke up to find him standing in her bedroom). Her blind cat attacked him and chased him out of the house. Another cat chased off some guy who tried to steal a handicapped man's laptop. Another cat came flying off a roof onto a back of a pitbull who was attacking the cat's buddy (a dog), another cat alerted its owners to a gas leak just outside the house, and on and on. My cats fetch, my cats come when called, my cats do tricks (sitting up, shaking hands, boxing, etc.), and I even had a cat (Jaspurr) who would salute. I've never seen a dog do that. Cats are are amazing athletes, even better than dogs as a whole, have better hearing, better sight in the dark, have much better vocabularies, are self-sufficient, clean, smart enough not to eat chocolate (which can kill both cats and dogs if ingested), smart enough not to eat a lot of things dogs eat that they shouldn't, don't destroy property like dogs do, DON'T BARK, and on and on and on. Fasted animal on 4 legs? Cats (cheetah). Plus, I would rather fight a dog than a cat....cats have weapons dogs don't. Thank goodness they have personalities that don't lend to attacks such as one hears of happening over and over again with dogs. But if they DID have that trait.....ever tried to hang onto even a small cat when it's just scared, let alone if it actually wanted to go postal on you?!? Man, what those claws can do! Plus, what happened overseas when they got rid of cats? Bubonic plague (black death). The solution? Reintroduction of cats. So, like I said, dogs and cats (and all animals) are special in their own way. To say one is better than the other is like comparing "apples to oranges." Me...I prefer cats cuz they are just plain easier to take care of. And, if you are looking for an apt., sure hope you have cats, not dogs!!
2 years ago
2 years ago Link To Comment
I agreed with everything you said EXCEPT the part about cat's not destroying property. The shredded cushions on my furniture - and the box spring on my old mattress - are all the proof I ever need that some furniture is NOT safe from the claws of cats. I have photos of my box spring when I threw it out. The hole was literally big enough for the cat to climb inside. I once saw him stick the entire top half of his body into that hole.

And to those who would suggest declawing, I will never do that since I learned that declawing is not remotely like trimming their claws: it is the equivalent of amputating human fingers at the first joint.
2 years ago
2 years ago Link To Comment
Bless your heart, Henry, for not de-clawing...I don't believe in that, either. My comment on damages by cats compared to dogs was a general one. I cringe when I see the damage (again on AnimalPlanet) that dogs can do. I think there are things that one can do to protect things from cats that just aren't going to work with dogs. I keep my furniture covered and provide really good options for my cats to claw (including me, ha!). Don't really like having to cover things, but it does work. (PS...sorry for the typos in my original comment...had just gotten up and my eyesight ain't real great first thing in the day so didn't proof it very well (always good to have an excuse, eh?).
2 years ago
2 years ago Link To Comment
Hawkins once again stoops to the perpetration of stereotypical racist anti-feline dogma.
2 years ago
2 years ago Link To Comment
1 2 3 4 Next View All