Barack’s Helpful Hints for Sarah

My dear Sarah*,

Welcome to the campaign trail as the other new kid on the national block. Even though you were elected to the governorship of one of the most rugged, energy-producing states in this country, you must admit that not many outside Alaska had ever heard of you until a week ago. I, too, burst upon the national stage from obscurity, with the speech I delivered at the 2004 Democratic National Convention.

Have you seen the video of that speech, by the way? You really should see it. That speech was good. It was very, very, very good. Oh, but I’m sure you already knew that. How could you not? I am, after all, me. And my face has been everywhere that’s anywhere.

I’ll be more than happy to send you a copy of that speech. I’ll get one of my people to send you a dozen or so; I’ll even autograph them for you. I’m a generous guy. Well, don’t count that poverty-stricken half-brother of mine or the school I promised to help, but didn’t. No one is perfect, you know.

In fact, that speech is the main thing that got me to the top of my side’s ticket. Well, that and the Chicago Daley political machine and Jeremiah Wright and Billy Ayers and Tony Rezko and a pro-Palestinian named Khalidi and the shadowy Hungarian billionaire George Soros.

Seriously though, Sarah, I sincerely hope you don’t have any shady, un-American characters hidden away in your closet, because in case you haven’t realized this, there is a huge — HUGE — double standard on this. I’m a Democrat; we’re expected to be corrupt. You’re a Republican; your people expect honesty. So, you had better be squeaky clean or those moralizing, religious zealots on your side will have you thrown off the ticket faster than you can say “Mark Foley and Larry Craig.”

Never underestimate the value of one good speech, though. It can be recycled again and again, and used in different places all over these 57 states. You can even get national magazines to make cover issues out of one little, recycled speech. Those media people are such easy, convenient stooges, you know.

Oh, sorry, little lady, they only work for my side. Too bad.

Well, okay, your speech the other night was pretty fair. But I have to warn you, as any gentleman would, you had better play nice with me, because I have a whole squad of watcher-goons ready to take you on for me, if need be. I might not be able to fight as well as you, and I wouldn’t know what to do if I ever even see a moose — what, run? — but I’ve got a whole big gang of tough people watching my back. And some of them know how to use high-powered weaponry also. Keep that in mind.

And by the way, Sarah, my Greek columns were not Styrofoam. They were plywood. That really hurt my feelings when you acted so divisively and mocked me. Please don’t do that again.

Now don’t forget, Sarah, that people in this country are so dumbed down today by our union-controlled schools — that’s quite a system my side’s got going, now isn’t it? — that they won’t even notice when you plagiarize the speeches of other successful candidates. Even my second, old Joe, has pulled that one off. So, just feel free to copy anyone’s speech you like.

Oh, except if you steal any of mine I’ll sue your cute little butt off, and don’t think I won’t. I am a lawyer, you know. And I did go to Harvard. So did my wife. We’re a very litigious family. Don’t forget that. You wouldn’t stand a chance.

Now, this is a pointer that I hesitate to share, you being a woman. But fair is fair. You deserve equal treatment on the campaign trail in all 57 states.

It is perfectly permissible for you to be a blatant sexist on the campaign trail. I’ve paved the way for you, sweetie. I’ve gotten clean away with calling female reporters “sweetie” and talking down to our gal, that old harridan, Hillary. So, if you want to go around calling the professional men you encounter by things like “honey,” “darling,” “stud muffin,” or even “hot stuff,” you should be fine. The media won’t do a thing. They’re a bunch of pushovers.

Oh, did you catch that pic of me in my swimsuit, running in the surf? Yeah, I know, the babes really went for that one. Women are so easy; thank the Big Bang or Mother Nature or God or whatever.

Oh, sorry, I almost forgot you’re one of them. Well, a few of you women can actually think. My wife’s a lawyer; they taught her to think. In the Ivy League.

But, see, the thing is that I’m not sure you could get away with such a brazen play for the sex-appeal vote, you being a woman. Yeah, there is a double standard there, too. If you showed up in a swimsuit, on the cover of some magazine, every woman in America would condemn you. Tough luck, sweetie. That’s too bad, ‘cause you’re quite a looker.

Now, on the matter of that little handicapped kid of yours and your own daughter’s teen pregnancy, I need to strike a deal with you. This will be just between the two of us, okay?

Since I, myself, was conceived out of wedlock by a teenage mother, I’m gonna give you a pass on that one. I won’t bring up your teen daughter if you don’t bring up my mother. Thank God I wasn’t conceived post-Roe, if you know what I mean.

And on the abortion thing, well, I’ve got an army of liberal women and all their money backing me on this. So, I think you ought to just keep those kids of yours out of sight. These women play rough, with no holds barred.

Well, I think I’ve given you enough help here to at least come off as a gentleman and give you the extra hand you need, to make up for your gender’s disabilities in this man’s world.

But wait, there’s one more thing, sweetie.

This tendency that you women have to change your mind, for no reason whatsoever, could get you in big trouble on the national stage, where you’re under a media microscope. Being a fickle woman, you know, the kind who doesn’t know how to take a stand on an issue and stick with it … well, that could really knock you out of this race and back to that little, inconsequential state of yours.

So, wherever you go around these 57 states, make sure that you say what you mean and mean what you say. There are no take-backs in national politics and foreign affairs.

Good luck. May the best man win.

Your new pal,

Barack

* This draft was, of course, penned by Kyle-Anne.

For readers of a mind to be more fully informed on all the little digs and jabs contained herein, the 35 internet links embedded offer a more complete picture of what Barack — as well as the voters — have learned in this enlightening campaign season. I hope you’ll follow at least a few of them for additional laughs or a really good cry, depending upon your political affiliation.