Et Tu, KDJ? A Taylor Swift article? Really? We expected better of you.
I know, I know. You can't relieve yourself without being accosted by some inane story on your phone about what Taylor Swift ordered at Baskin Robbins.
FACT-O-RAMA! If I am ever going to be assailed by an article about Taylor Swift, I prefer it be when, ironically, I'm on the can.
Now is a good time to remind you of a few things about me.
I know nothing of this Swift chick. I am a 58-year-old, bourbon-swilling, cigar-puffing puddin-head. I look like I got kicked out of Duran Duran.
I listen to vinyl records on my 1958 Voice of Music Hifi (though mine is that blonde wood tone your grandparents had throughout their living room). I prefer The Ventures, Julie London, and Johnny Cash. I "rock out" to the cheeseball sounds of a musical genre called "Space Age Bachelor Pad." I proudly own and listen to albums by Frankie Stein and His Ghouls, which is kitschy music combined with blood-curdling screams.
Depending on your tastes, I am either the coolest cat you know or a big square, daddy-o.
That said, you'll understand when I tell you I cannot name one song by Taylor Swift. And yet, not a day goes by when I don't see her mug at least nine times. Weird, right?
FACT-O-RAMA! Writing an article about Miss Swift is so vulgar to me — and yes, it was my decision — I'm going to make the rest of my "FACT-O-RAMAs" about the loungey lifestyle, for those of you who are as grossed out as I am and need a reprieve.
Is the pop tart's omnipotence due to her talent or is there something more nefarious going on? Fox News' Jesse Watters recently asked if Taylor Swift had been co-opted by the CIA to do their bidding, and if so, does she even know about it?
Is Taylor Swift a Pentagon PsyOp asset? pic.twitter.com/yHp8WywKh8
— Jesse Watters (@JesseBWatters) January 10, 2024
I must admit, all the right people — and by that, I mean the wrong people — are piling on the Taylor Swift rickshaw. But I thought the idea of Swift and the CIA being BFFs was prattle until the Pravda press dutifully attacked Watters for his "conspiracy theory." That's when I became intrigued.
FACT-O-RAMA! For those who believe The Beatles' "Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" is the world's first concept album, I would like you to meet Frank Sinatra. One of the greatest concept lps in history is Sinatra's "In the Wee Small Hours," one of my personal faves. It pairs well with a Boodles martini served a little dry and a little dirty with two olives, one for her and one for you.
In her recent State of the State chunder-fest, N.Y. Gov. Kathy Hochul found a way to hip herself to the kids and squeeze Swift into her speech, and even elevate her to Aristotle status.
Quoting the philosopher Taylor Swift, she reminds us that everybody here was somebody else before. And although people might live fundamentally different lives, they still stand side-by-side on the subway platform, or sit at the counter, the diner, upstate or Long Island, united as New Yorkers. We all want our great state to succeed.
Whether Hochul's reference was an a**-kissy joke or not doesn't matter. The point is, she isn't alone in the world of lefties beating the Swift tom-tom. Our squinter-in-chief, Joe Biden, also tried to mention Taylor Spears — wait, Brittany Swift — I mean, you know — the thing.
81 year old Joe Biden, attempting to not appear ancient, mixes up Beyoncé, Taylor Swift and Britney Spears. pic.twitter.com/75z8IUO2gr
— Clay Travis (@ClayTravis) November 20, 2023
In an especially unctuous display of bum lickery, New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy named the "Taylor Swift ham, egg and cheese" the official sandwich of the Garden State. (Taylor ham is what normal people call pork roll.)
I understand that politicians are desperate to impress the kids. But did you know Swift recently implored her 272 million Instagram followers to register to vote? And did you know 35,000 — a record — followed their leader and signed up as directed? She also pushed her Nashville fans to vote while holding an "I voted today" sticker.
"Hi Nashville!" Swift captioned a photo of herself on Instagram. "Early voting for our city officials and some statewide seats begins today. We have the opportunity to choose those who will represent us for the next four years. I voted today and I urge each and every one of you to do the same and make your voice heard."
The message preceded a link to vote.org.
Swift is so good at whipping up voters that a European Union politician also begged for her help. This was after (as per Watters' report) the Pentagon pimped Swift to NATO as a person to combat "misinformation" on the interwebs.
LOUNGE-O-RAMA! Why, yes, I do own a smoking jacket and a matching fez. Who doesn't?
Now is a good time to remind you that Taylor Swift's man-cub is a Pfizer vaccine-pimping football player named Travis Kelce. How convenient.
Related: Who Is and Isn't on Epstein's List, and What Does It Mean? We've Got the Names.
The Swift-Kelce romance brought millions of teen and tween girls to the ultra-woke NFL for the first time, no doubt creating an advertising bonanza as well as a great opportunity to push Pfizer's clot-shot on a new generation. The Pravda press went so far as to instruct the children on the "right" way to watch Taylor watching a football game. Needless to say, the cameramen dutifully highlighted Swift every chance they got, making football, yet again, unwatchable.
And for the self-hating, orange-haired, basement-dwelling wokester types who abhor all things establishment — except big pharma, big government, mainstream news, censorship, and COVID mandates — the New York Times went so far as to suggest Swift is somehow "queer." I don't know if that was an attempt to link Swift's fanbase to the Democrat's military street thugs but it blew up hilariously in their Bolshie faces.
BACHELOR PAD-O-RAMA! My lunchbox collection can beat up your lunchbox collection.
I have no idea if Swift is being used — with or without her knowledge — by the CIA to swing votes and sell bogus vaccines. What I do know is that a 58-year-old Manhattan-chugging dandy like myself can't spend four minutes in the "library" without getting strafed with articles about Taylor Swift's preferred nail polish, and that seems a little wonky to me.
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