Mommy Weirdest: Prince Harry Felt Like His 'Mum' Was in the Room Whilst He Rubbed Cream on His Family Jewels

(AP Photo/Rick Rycroft)

Former Prince Harry claimed he was “transported through time” as he rubbed Elizabeth Arden cream on his royal, frostbitten scepter.

“My penis was oscillating between extremely sensitive and borderline traumatized,” the below reading begins. Then someone suggested he apply the cream to his crowned head.

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“My mum used that on her lips, you want me to put that on my todger?” Harry asked the person who recommended he apply the cream to his chilly willy.

“The minute I opened it, the smell transported me through time. I felt as if my mother was right there in the room,” the prince doth quipped on his audiobook, Spare.

FACT-O-RAMA! I have never used the words “oscillating penis” and “mother” in the same week, let alone in the same paragraph.

You can hear him say it in his own words below. Listen to how he majestically punches the words “penis” and “down there.”

WARNING — CREEP FACTOR: HIGH

What have we learned? Prince Harry’s one-eyed jack was “oscillating” as he applied cream to his frozen stiffy, the same cream his mother, Princess Diana, put on her lips. It made him feel as though his dead mother were in the room.

Bonus Lesson — Royal inbreeding has consequences.

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