We're Now in the 'Conservatives Pounce' Phase of the Plastic Straw Panic

It is a truth universally acknowledged that when conservatives do something dumb, that’s the news story, and when liberals do something dumb, conservatives’ reaction is the news story. Well, maybe that’s not universally acknowledged. But it should be, because that’s what always happens. The headline is always “GOP Pounces on Democrat’s Sex Scandal,” or “Republicans Seize on Antifa’s Violent Rioting,” or whatever. The reaction is always presented as an overreaction. The designated villains are always wrong, no matter what the designated heroes have done.

It’s been an entire month since Seattle banned plastic straws because of a nine-year-old’s science report, and the mindless panic over these deadly drinking implements is showing no signs of abating. There’s no room for discussion, according to our moral, ethical, and intellectual betters. If you disagree, if you show the slightest sign of skepticism, you’re not just wrong but evil.

So we’re long overdue for liberals whining about being mocked for it. Gabriella Paiella, New York Magazine:

Conservatives Are Now Drinking From Plastic Straws to Own the Libs

From smashing their Keurigs in solidarity with Sean Hannity to lying in dumpsters to wearing diapers, conservatives have been working overtime in their never-ending quest to own the libs. Their newest activity meant to trigger snowflakes? Drinking out of plastic straws…

And then Paiella embeds a bunch of tweets like this:

Owning the libs with an extra THICC straw pic.twitter.com/ucXDyIzZZg

— Calli Norton (@CalliNorton) July 28, 2018

Living dangerously #StrawBan pic.twitter.com/RUaedyDzVA

— Elisha (@ElishaKrauss) July 27, 2018

Molon labe #FridayFeeling pic.twitter.com/PQY30FsqBj

— Katie Pavlich (@KatiePavlich) July 27, 2018

And then she arrives at this conclusion:

I may not agree with what they have to say, but I support their right to look like complete friggin’ idiots while doing it.

Well, they’re not the friggin’ idiots losing their minds over a video of a turtle with a straw up its nose, but okay…

We can look forward to more of these “conservatives pounce” stories, apparently:

Why is this happening pic.twitter.com/vQOhe7GM1A

— Calli Norton (@CalliNorton) August 2, 2018

You might be a liberal if you support a woman’s right to choose, unless she chooses to drink a beverage through a plastic straw.

Remember that this whole panic started when a little kid claimed that Americans use 500 million straws per day. Per day. When you consider that there aren’t even 500 million Americans on the planet, that number strains credulity. But then, math has never been an ally to liberals.

And of course, the unintended consequences of this straw-banning panic are okay because they were unintended. Stephen Loiaconi, WJLA:

The strongest objections to the anti-straw movement have come from advocates for those with disabilities, who have pushed back forcefully against the notion that plastic straws are expendable conveniences…

Disability rights groups say some cannot rely on other kinds of straws, many of which lack the combination of flexibility and durability a bendable plastic straw offers. Paper straws can degrade too quickly, metal straws can be too hard, and glass straws shatter too easily.

Yeah, b-b-but… what about the turtles?!? If it means I don’t have to watch another viral video of an animal with a straw stuck in its stupid snout, it’s worth all the cripples* on earth dying of dehydration. Some things are just too important to leave up to the needs of the less fortunate.

If you care more about turtles and seagulls than about your fellow human beings, congratulations on being a self-appointed steward of the planet. But you’re not preserving anything but your own precious feelings.

Keep whining about being mocked for the credulous rubes you are.

*I can use this word because I’m a cripple. We can use it with each other. If you use it, I’ll do everything I can to get you fired from your job. Welcome to 2018.