Maison Margiel's Fall Fashion Collection Features Straight Jackets and Wearable Quilts

Hello, and welcome to this very fancy, very exclusive, very serious showing of Maison Margiela’s Fall 2018 collection. Before we begin, let me remind you that this is a very serious fashion show, filled with serious items of clothing, that only serious people may wear. If, when you look at any of these outfits, you are tempted to laugh, or utter a phrase that begins “What the” and ends with an expletive, or to choke on your fancy champagne such that it comes spewing forth from your nostrils, simply take a moment to remember that this is serious.

Should you forget momentarily that this is serious — perhaps because one of the pieces looks like an alien straightjacket, or because another looks like a hand-me-down from a four-armed carny — simply lower your gaze to the promotional materials (which are also very serious) and read. There you will learn that these very serious fashion pieces are an “ongoing study of seductions.” They observe “a parallel between the timeless spartan wanderer and the perpetually-connected follower of the technological age.” In fact, they portray “a new tribe, the ‘neo-digital natives’” which represents “nomadic glamour.” You see? Very serious.

To get a sense of this very serious clothing that serious people will wear while looking serious, I invite you to scroll down for my own — highly serious — commentary on a few select pieces.

Fashion connoisseurs may recognize similarities between this piece and the Psychiatric Hospital fall catalog a few years back. Maison Margiela has added a few updates to the generic straight jacket design, of course, offering their model in “Pistachio Foam” and tactfully referring to the restraints as a “sleeve bow.” A perfect piece for the high-fashion deranged psychopath in your life.

The key element of this piece is the virtual reality goggles which allow the wearer to pretend that she is wearing something — anything — other than this skirt and jacket combination. The skirt is made from polyurethane — so you know it’s well-insulated — and the coat is made from yak fur. But don’t worry, it was a very serious and very fashion-forward yak.

Now, here is something for the fashion-conscious crazy cat lady in your life. Why wear one coat, when you can wear ten? And why wear a coat at all when you can wear a “yellow quilted bin-liner”? Maison Margiela has something for everyone — even people with disproportionately long arms who are, perhaps, part gorilla. This ensemble comes with a handy orange strap which serves the double purpose of holding all these coats on, and warning other people to stay back since the wearer is obviously insane.

Now, obviously we serious fashionista types would scoff at anyone who chose to wear their pajamas out of the house, but your quilt is another thing altogether. By all means, do wear your quilt — all bunched up around yourself — out of the house as if you just sort of rolled out of bed while clutching it and wandered out the door. Pair it with a “stocking tube” and you’re good to go!

This final piece is obviously inspired by Disney’s Princess Jasmine who wore a similar outfit in the 1992 film Aladdin. Padding has been added for colder climates — should she and Aladdin choose to travel — and a sort of Spice Girls vibe adds to the look. A “shark grey men’s trouser” is under all this in case Jasmine wants to suddenly turn into a grey male shark.

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this very exclusive look at Maison Margiela’s very serious fall clothing line. But remember, if it inspired you to actually buy any of this stuff, you probably weren’t reading very carefully.