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THE RETURN OF THE QUEEN

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my great pleasure and privilege to re-introduce the person who introduced me:

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I calculate that 85% of you have no idea who I am and the rest thought I’d been in Pakistan doing bad things to Bin Laden for the last 2 ½ years (a rumor I wouldn’t mind starting, actually). So to introduce myself to the majority: I blogged heavily about five years ago, mostly political rants and pictures of my dogs, and one day Bill Whittle left a comment on my site about gun control that blew my mind. I posted it on the main page, it blew everyone else’s minds too, and Bill decided to start his own blog. Hence our friendship.

For mysterious reasons understood by none, especially me, people liked my blog, but I nonetheless suddenly quit publishing it a few years ago. Which was probably the most boneheaded thing I ever did, because soon after, blog ads became shockingly lucrative. Could I have missed a bigger boat? It’s a perfect example of how I look smarter than I really am; I walked away from a blog that was averaging about 5,000 hits a day (for a brief shining few weeks, upwards of 20,000), which at the time, was pretty damn sweet traffic, long before “gossip” blogs started making jackasses like Perez Hilton rich and famous.

I had reasons for walking away, besides being stone-cold stupid. Some had to do with my personal life: a husband who didn’t like my name all over the Internet because of potential nutburger stalkers (which caused me to rename my blog BLUE-EYED INFIDEL, a branding move on par with renaming Coca-Cola “Happy Fun Drink”); some had to do with my own sanity (had only one computer, which I worked on all day and which therefore made me want to cut myself if I stared at it any longer than necessary); and the rest purely derived from the aforementioned boneheadedness. I’d lost sight of why I was blogging in the first place and had played right into the sweaty little hands of a few trolls and hate-mailers.

But things have changed. For one, I no longer have the husband. I know, I know. It’s some sort of Shame Record for short marriages (two years) but hey, my ex is now one of my best friends and that’s something to be proud of. For another thing, I have a laptop, which makes me want to blog my ass off from anywhere in the house or yard. And last but not least, I’m older and smarter. I turned 35 last month and something about reaching that age makes me feel totally ballsy. I’m ready to berate asshats once more, baby!

And I’ve started paying attention to the news again, which is like watching a bunch of circus clowns throwing poop at each other. The headline on Drudge as I write this is about John McCain using “a curse word associated with chickens” while arguing with John Cornyn over immigration. Seriously? Did he call him a Chicken-F—er? Someone throw me a bone; I’m in the dark here. Hillary is going to run for president – oh god, yes, please. This election should be almost as hilarious as the last one. Al Gore has amped up his fearmongering and even though I do think we’re doing all sorts of naughty things to Earth, god, do I still hate that guy. And my favorite morbidly obese nutjob in the whole world, one Mr. Michael Moore, is back with a new “documentary”. It’s like manna from heaven, there for me to munch away on.

So, RachelLucas.com is back up. Bill made my banner and has given me the best encouragement a friend could ever give. I can’t thank him enough for that and for letting me announce my return here. Go buy his Second Edition, it's even more awesome!

And I also want to thank each of you who’s given me a wave in his comment section, or asked about me in emails or on your own blogs. I’ve missed you all a hell of a lot, and it’s great to be back.