'How to Leave the United Kingdom'

The London Independent, which previously promised that “Snowfalls Are Now Just a Thing of the Past” in 2000, are gobsmackingly gobsmacked that the Tories won their election last night, and their lips are none too stiff — they’re running a column titled ‘How to Leave the United Kingdom:’

The nation awakens to five more years of Tory rule this morning, after Labour were decapitated by the SNP in the general election overnight and the Liberal Democrats were left with more tears than MPs.

Here are your options: Respect the flow of democracy and get on with life, don’t protest vote next time, actually vote next time, or chuck it all in and move to a warmer country where they won’t be trying to privatise oxygen and offer tax breaks for purveyors of parmesan cheese.

“The majority of people emigrating from the UK are emigrating for work” the government’s website still states, poorly prepared for the outflux of people who simply can’t bear to witness George Osborne’s smirk for another 1,825 days.

Before moving or retiring abroad, you must:

• Tell your council
• Notify relevant benefits offices
• Contact the International Pension Centre

I’m sure all of these fine socialists can offer expert advice on how to leave an otherwise socialist country when a nominally conservative party wins an election.

Update: “George Galloway gracious in defeat.”

(Via SDA)