Our long national nightmare is over. “Together, I Shall Ride You To Victory” in 2012, promises the man, the myth, the legendary creation of Iowahawk, T. Coddington Van Voorhees VII:
My intellectual triumph now complete, I would of course have been happy to rest fireside along with my laurels and an amusing snifter of Hennesy VSOP. But, it seems, a warrior’s work is never done. I have in recent weeks been besieged by a host of right-thinking conservatives who have importuned me to enter the presidential fray. These have included my vivacious like-minded colleague Kathleen Parker and those two dapper Davids of conservative letters, Brooks & Frum; joined in chorus by countless voices from Washington’s top bipartisan litigation and consulting firms. With the President vulnerable and so many sensible government contracts at stake, they have persuaded me that the GOP electorate is yearning for the one voice in our party brave enough to consistently stand athwart the Tea Party lunacy. And, with the entire current Republican field variably afflicted with this madness, I could not help but relent to their entreaties.
It may indeed seem odd that a man-in-full, in the bright Indian summer of his life, would abandon it all to heed the call of his nation. Luckily for that nation, I have discussed it with my family and have decided to spend less time with them; in fact, both my wife and son seem quite delighted by the prospect. Mariska, for one, recognizes my candidacy as an opportunity to better the country and expand our social circle. As for young T. Coddington VIII, he will be taking a brief interregnum from his collegiate studies to join me on the hustings as Chairman of Youth for Van Voorhees 2012 – applying the political organizing talents he honed as the co-organizer Occupy Bennington.
And for my fellow sensible conservative Americans, let me assure you that in T. Coddington Van Voorhees VII you will now have a choice – not an echo. As the only Republican in this race who is dedicated to the future reduction in the rate of increase of the rate of increase of federal government, you can pull the lever in full confidence that your federally funded retirement and health care and education and automobiles and solar panel rebates will be preserved, in full accordance with conservative principles. You are my magnificent steed, and together I will ride you to victory next November.
And if for some reason that victory does not come, take heart; I will continue to be a strong voice in Washington guiding whomever is President toward the conservative path. In fact, I have already been assured by Mr. Obama’s staff that I have secure a place on the short list for his reinaugural ball!