Ed Driscoll

To Paraphrase P.J. O'Rourke...

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey, car keys and Slurpees to perpetually sophomoric undergrads with delusions of grandeur:

Thank you for that kind introduction, _EMCEE______, and let me say how good it is to be back here in the __th district of _STATE___ which was so vital in helping us take back Washington in November of 2008. And let me also say that we’ve made a lot of progress thanks to __DEMOCRATIC_CANDIDATE__. Neither I nor the __th district has had a more loyal and hard-working ally in Congress.

As we all know, __DEMOCRATIC_CANDIDATE__ is facing a tough re-election campaign this November. S/he is facing an unprecedented barrage of attacks from outside special interest groups and Wall Street fat cats who want to make this election more about alleged __CANDIDATE_INCIDENT__ than the bread and butter issues that concern everyday voters in the ___th District. Well, we’re not going to let them get away with it. Because the voters here know that when it comes to health care, the environment, and economic development __DEMOCRATIC_CANDIDATE__ is on their side.

Have we made all the progress we wanted to? Of course not. But we’re working hard every day and moving in the right direction. And make no mistake, this is pretty darn hard work. Now, you see, I like to use a little analogy. The Republicans drove the car into the ditch. [pause for applause]

So now and me and __DEMOCRATIC_CANDIDATE__ are down there, behind the bumper, sweatin’ and pushin’, trying to get it out. [applause]

It’s all hot, and there’s flies and bugs and so on, and we’re in our flipflops down there in the mud. [applause] Meanwhile __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ and his Republican friends are up on the blacktop, sipping on their Slurpees, laughing and telling us to work harder. [laughs, applause]

And don’t even try to point out their horrible driving that put the car in the ditch in the first place, because then they’ll accuse YOU of causing it — even though it was the Republicans who told you to grab the wheel while they torched up the one-hitter. [applause]

Yeah, smooth move there Republicans, especially with that pineapple truck coming down the other side of the highway. Hey scro, I don’t care whose hands were on the wheel – it was your ass in the damned driver’s seat and Hawaii law says it’s YOUR fault. [applause]

It’s all right there in the Driver’s Ed booklet. Which also says you’re supposed to steer INTO the skid, just like I was before you tried to yank it back.

So, whatever, we’re down in the ditch. Instead of thanking you for not totalling the car, the Republicans start up with their upperclassman bulls**t. [applause]

Yes, it’s Iowahawk. And yes, you know what to do next.

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