Ed Driscoll

We're So Sorry, Vicar Albert

Iowahawk channels Henry Fielding and/or William Makepeace Thackery for his latest post: “The Two Randy Vicars: from Baudy Tales for the Indiscreet Gentleman (ca. 1710) by Anonymous”:

“Tell me inn-keeper, are these two wenches in your employ?” asked the Vicar John, to which the old inn-keeper nodded assent. “Then I would like to purchase an hour of service from the fair-haired lass for the evening; as you can see I am a humble man of God, and I will need her assistance in setting up my portable altar for my private evening benedictions. See to it that she is in my chamber in ten minutes hence.”

“I too would like to purchase an hour of time from your stout raven-haired lass,” added Vicar Albert. “I am quite weary from the journey and am delivering an important sermon on the morrow. As such I am need of a vigorous back-rub to relieve my tension.”

Though leery of their true intentions, the old inn-keeper agreed and added four and twenty farthings to each vicar’s charges and ordered the wenches to their assigned rooms. When the raven-haired wench entered Vicar Albert’s candlelit chamber she gasped at the sight of the portly prelate; clad only in a nightshirt and highwayman’s mask, he was astride the bed roping his ankles to its posts with a mariner’s clove hitch. “Ah, sweet relief is here!” cooed Vicar Albert at her arrival. “It seems, sister, that my tension is most acute in my upper adductors. In yon trunk you will find a feather duster and unguents to aid you in exorcising it of my chakra.”

Now, though a simple country serving wench, the woman could see by the tumescence in his nightshirt what Vicar Albert meant by ‘chakra,’ and so began slowly backing toward the chamber door. The wily old vicar proved too fast for her, though, and releasing himself from his bondage hied across the chamber and barred the door. “Tally ho! The chase is on!” he cried, and a vigorous chase about the chamber ensued. In his lusty pursuit Vicar Albert upset his own low-flow chamber pot, but it did not dissuade him from his goal. In due time he had cornered the object of his desire, now too exhausted to spurn his continuing advances.

“Reverend, I beg thee,” she said, cowering coquettishly. “If thou wishes me to serve God and Gaia by releasing your chakra, I will do so; but please let me attend to my task in modesty. If thou would put thy manhood through yon wall-hole, I will be on the other side to coax it to a happy conclusion.”

Thou art recommended to readth the whole thing.

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