Ed Driscoll

"I Am Proud To Lead You Men To The Nearest Off-Ramp"

Picture cheesy 1970s synthesizers playing the background, rather than Jerry Goldsmith’s awesome echoplexed trumpets, as Iowahawk brings you the stirring words (and awesome photoshop) of Brigadier General Barack H. Obama, Supreme Allied Commander-in-Chief, Operation Minivan Pool:

At ease, men.

As your battalion commanders and General Axelrod have already briefed you, you embark today on an important mission to the Af-Pak Theater. The success of this mission will not only insure the future of democracy and human civilization, but also my Gallup net favorable index. I have every confidence that you will succeed in this great educational field trip, because you represent the finest right-sized, nonviolent time killing force ever assembled.

Arrayed behind me are the mighty Minivans of Democracy that you will soon be loading. These are America’s great 5-star crash rating arsenal of multilateral understanding. And as your supreme commander-in-chief, it is my great honor, privilege, and turn to serve as your pool driver, because Michelle has her Pilates class this afternoon. Now, as our rendezvous with destiny approaches, let me say that I am every bit as proud of you fine young soldiers and Marines as I am when I take Malia and Sasha to gymnastics. Okay, let’s all pair up with a buddy and line up double file for the vans.

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While everyone is buckling their safety belts, I would like to take a few minutes to adjust the rear view mirror and remind you why you are going on this mission. As I have allegedly always said, Afghanistan is war of necessity. But as your supreme commander, I know that in planning wars and field trips we must never act rashly. Remember when Mr. Bush had that flat tire at Camp Iraq? That is why I solicited the advice of my top field commanders. I asked General McChrystal what he needed from me to show 110% commitment to mission success. He told me 40,000 battle ready troops.

By the way, who needs hand sanitizer? Anybody?

You know what to do next.  (And click over doubletime, lest the general flip you the bird, soldier!)