Lewis Black, in the above clip, witnesses the eschaton immanentized–and now with extra decaf caramel macchiato flavoring!
But as with all of man’s previous attempts to build heaven on earth, the eschaton cannot sustain itself indefinitely. Sadly, the Wall Street Journal has published a list of upcoming Starbucks closings (and none in my town. So there!), and James Lileks explores the plight of the suddenly Starbucks deprived coffee drinker:
We have been bracing for the list of closings, and it was finally revealed: 27 Starbucks outlets will be shuttered in Minnesota, leaving only 45,234. Hasta barista, baby.
The effect on the Twin Cities will be light — the average citizen will still be within six minutes of a $4 cup of coffee at all times. Productivity will not suffer as people slump over at their desks from lack of jitter-juice. The people you have to pity — aside from the employees, who probably can’t fill a bathtub now without thinking “room for cream?” and won’t soon find another job requiring that question — are the folks in the small towns who will lose a piece of the outside world.
A Strib story last week by Emma Carew told the plight of Albert Lea teens mourning the loss of their coffee shop.
And you can understand why: Starbucks was like an embassy of a country where people sat around and read foreign newspapers, like the Wall Street Journal, and discussed things.
Geez, isn’t that what they invented the Internet for?