Freddy the donkey had himself a Friday. After escaping with a horse near Cuxhaven, Germany, he wandered around a traffic circle, resisted efforts to corral him, jumped into a van, and started kicking and biting people.
Three were injured, including a 33-year-old woman who needed hospital treatment. Police don't know what provoked him.
From U.S. News:
A donkey on the loose in northern Germany attacked two motorists by jumping into their van on Friday, kicking and biting them along with a third woman who tried to help restrain the aggressive equine, police said.
The incident south of the coastal city of Cuxhaven came to an end as the animal's owner intervened to secure the animal, Cuxhaven police said in a statement.
Passersby noticed the donkey, whose name is Freddy, and a horse were running loose at a roundabout in the town of Holssel. The motorists tried to secure the donkey, which “became very aggressive” and jumped into the van.
The 33-year-old woman who tried to help required hospital treatment, while the motorists sustained minor injuries, the police statement said.
“The reason for the animal’s aggressive reaction is still unclear,” the statement said.
So, yes. A donkey made an a** of himself.
Before dismissing Freddy as one disgruntled German equine, however, we need to examine the evidence. Comedian Tim Bedore, a UW-Stevens Point alum, has spent years warning us about what he calls the "Animal Conspiracy."
In Bedore's version, various species are working together against Western civilization, with squirrels leading the operation.
I've always viewed the squirrels as scouts. They're everywhere, watching from trees, telephone lines, bird feeders, and occasionally the middle of the road, where they employ a highly sophisticated zig-left-zig-right maneuver designed to test human reaction time.
Lately, though, the rest of the animal kingdom seems unusually active.
Earlier this week, Fitz, a one-year-old grizzly at the Calgary Zoo, climbed above the containment barriers and temporarily escaped his habitat.
From the Calgary Zoo:
During our routine early-morning checks, members of our Animal Care, Health & Welfare (ACHW) team noticed that Fitz was not in his usual spot before the zoo opened to guests. The team’s first objective each day is to ensure that our animals are healthy and where they should be. The ACHW team quickly activated our emergency response procedures. As an AZA accredited zoo, we prepare for these situations through regular drills. Thanks to this swift and coordinated response, Fitz was anesthetized and safely relocated to his back-of-house space. There was no risk to public safety as this incident took place before the zoo opened for the day and Fitz remained close to his habitat throughout the incident.
Our initial investigation suggests that Fitz was able to climb above the containment barriers in place and access an area just outside and above his habitat. The cub remained calm throughout the response and was later evaluated by the Animal Health team, who confirmed that Fitz was in good health and without injury.
Our teams are currently assessing what additional mitigation measures and improvements to the habitat are appropriate based on the findings of the review. While this review is underway, both Fitz and his brother Turner will remain safely and comfortably in their regular back-of-house space.
Fortunately, employees found him before the zoo opened, anesthetized him, and returned him safely. Nobody was hurt. Still, bears climbing over security barriers before breakfast feels like something that headquarters should know about.
Meanwhile in Scotland, Luka the Japanese macaque escaped from Highland Wildlife Park. Searchers deployed a thermal-imaging drone, but Luke eventually returned on his own.
From Highland Wildlife Park:
A young male Japanese macaque named Luka escaped late yesterday from his habitat at Highland Wildlife Park. Search teams are working to track the macaque who was last seen in the Balavil area and return him safely to the park.
Darren McGarry, head of animal care at The Royal Zoological Society of Scotland (RZSS), said: “We are doing everything we can to locate the macaque using a variety of techniques in the local area including a thermal imaging drone.
“Primate group dynamics can be very complex and males being forced out of a group is not uncommon.
Even more suspicious, another macaque escaped from the same park in 2024.
Once is an accident; twice begins to look like training.
Then there's Moodini.
The young bull calf wandered into a San Antonio Walmart parking lot Tuesday, approached the store entrance, and fled when authorities arrived. Moodini escaped into an underground drainage tunnel before officers finally persuaded him into a livestock trailer.
From UPI:
An escaped bull calf dubbed "Moodini" by authorities led San Antonio police and animal care officers on a chase through a Walmart parking lot and into a drainage tunnel.
City of San Antonio Animal Care Services said officers responded alongside police on Tuesday when the calf was spotted wandering toward a Walmart store on Southeast Military Drive.
The calf entered the store's parking lot and even approached the front door before authorities arrived and pursued the bovine to a nearby green space.
However, before the young bull could be captured, it "quickly hoofed it underground into a large drainage tunnel," ACS said in a news release.
Moodini wandered a short distance into the tunnel before stopping to rest and being led by ACS to a waiting livestock trailer.
I have questions: Why Walmart? Why the tunnel? Who supplied the getaway route?
Indiana isn't helping my confidence. Earlier this month, police found a four-foot alligator wandering loose in Jeffersonville.
From UPI:
Police in Indiana responded to an unusual early-morning call and wound up wrangling an escaped alligator.
The Jeffersonville Police Department said on social media that officers responded to a call from an early-morning driver Saturday morning about a 4-foot alligator on the loose.
"No officers or alligators were hurt during this call for service," the post said.
The gator was captured by officers and taken to the Kentuckiana Scaletuary for care.
Officers already knew its owners because the alligator had escaped before.
We now apparently have repeat offenders.
Maybe Bedore has been right all along. The monkeys are testing perimeter security, bears are working on vertical infiltration, cattle have discovered storm drains, alligators are ignoring parole, and Freddy has apparently been assigned vehicle assault.
Meanwhile, the squirrels sit quietly in the trees, pretending to gather acorns.
Don't fall for it.
They're watching.
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