When sitting atop my riding lawnmower in the child's seat, I sometimes find a certain peace. Not the peace you'd see after climbing a mountain to speak with an ancient one, but the kind you get from the bone-rattling hum of a riding mower with an older muffler. It's at those times when my brain wanders into dangerous territory; when I begin thinking of all the little irritations that pile up in daily life. Ones that I keep thinking would be something worth writing down, but of course, I never do. I have an entire column written in my head by the time the mower is parked, and I walk like a week-old dead pirate into the garage to decompress a little before taking off my yard boots before entering the house. With the smell of grass clippings overpowering my senses, I contemplate things that make me wonder if I've lost my grip on common sense.
For example, for as long as they've existed, foul poles are in fair territory. When the ball clangs against the metal, not only is it a fair ball, it's a home run. Everyone knows it's fair, yet we keep calling it the foul pole, as if words have no meaning.
If the game of baseball, by far my favorite sport, gets something this fundamental wrong, what hope is there for the rest of us?
From there, there are so many other things that people get wrong over and over again that you'd consider taking a long walk off a short pier (rimshot!).
Full disclosure: Some of the following examples are legitimately wrong, while others are simply pet peeves of mine that make me curl my fingers whenever I hear them.
Words That Should Have Been Retired
Most of the time, the English language is beautiful, as it allows us to express ourselves through Shakespeare, read the Constitution, or enjoy most of the lyrics to "Louie Louie," at least the parts we CAN understand. However, people often ruin the language with phrases like "have a good one." A good what? Burrito? Nap? It's lazy shorthand pretending to be polite.
Then there’s the lazy way people explain the obvious in writing: “Gern Blanston couldn’t carry the entire table over, as the weight was too much for one person.” Or you could just say, “The table was too heavy for Gern Blanston to carry alone.” One version clears the throat; the other clears the clutter.
Other examples include "my bad." Once upon a time, we apologized by saying "I'm sorry." Now it's a grunt that would make a caveman proud: "My Bad." Then there's "I agree 100%." Oh? Does that mean you'd also agree 75%? Agreements aren't measured in percentages; an agreement is an agreement.
One of the worst offenders is redundancy: "2 AM in the morning." Thank you, Mister Obvious. Another example: "Gern had a whole complete thought," or "I heard it with my ears," "visualized it with my eyes." That's enough to make me appreciate the effort to clarify, because for a moment, I thought maybe you'd visualized it with your elbows.
Oh boy, then there are the word manglers. People who say "liberry" instead of "library." Those who tack "at all" at the end of every question: "Would you like the receipt, at all?" "Yes, I'd only like the 25% from the bottom, please."
We can't go much further without mentioning those lucky few who salt each sentence with "actually," "like," "literally." Is there a quicker way to end a conversation? Unless we count that one guy who calls everybody "dude." Duude, please stop.
While we're at it, please, for the love that's all holy, stop adding syllables where they don't belong! "No" is not "no-wah." Stretching those words out like gum doesn't make it more emphatic; it just makes you sound like you've taken the first step on a slippery surface and are due to have a tough impact.
Sports Announcers in Need of a Rulebook
Of all sports, baseball broadcasters are a special breed. One of the best/worst of all time was Jerry Coleman calling San Diego Padres games. Coleman would excitedly describe the action as he'd see it. "It's a hard drive to left-center, and Winfield goes back, hits his head against the wall. It's rolling away!"
A double isn't extra bases; it's a double, call it what it is. Then, one that drives me crazy, is the tying run nonsense: "The potential tying run is on second." No! That IS the tying run. If it scores, the game is tied. There's no potential in it.
Triple plays in baseball are rare, but what's something that occurs even less frequently? Precise home run calls. "Gern Blanston hits a two-run homer, his 13th of the season." Do they mean his 13th homer total, or his 13th two-run homer?
Still, the worst sin is the foul pole: a ball strikes it and it's a fair ball. Always fair. Almost as bad are the times when a color man tries to sound smart when he brings the topic up, and listening to him say "fair pole" like it's a verbal example of kissing your sister.
Cultural and Social Misfires
Sometimes, irritations extend beyond grammar and penetrate culture, such as people calling themselves survivors for enduring bad dates, rough Mondays, or a 10 PM Taco Bell run. The word is supposed to describe crawling out of a plane crash, not complaining about a bad haircut.
We can't forget about the constant trigger warnings. Everything today is triggering: a cowboy rolls and lights a cigarette on screen, and OMG! viewers need to shield their eyes and read a parental advisory. Our grandparents stormed beaches under fire, lived through the Great Depression, and survived the Dust Bowl. Us? Evidently, we're rattled so badly we need Netflix disclaimers.
Moving on to politics, there's the old chestnut, "The rich should pay their fair share." It has a nice ring to it, but have you ever noticed that nobody ever defines what "fair" is? Half? All? It's something designed to end a discussion before it even begins.
Finally, we have professional teleprompter readers who add an "E" to Wisconsin—special shout-out to Oprah. We gave the world cheese curds and Bob Uecker, so the least you could do is pronounce our state's name correctly.
Everyday Offenses
Stepping into a grocery store is like entering the Roman Colosseum back in the day. Suppose sociologists need to observe how quickly a society collapses. In that case, they can enter a food store to see carts parked sideways in the middle of the aisle, like barricades at Checkpoint Charlie, as people wander off to inspect soup while everybody waits.
I like to think of myself as an easy-going person, with no major hangups to keep me down—please don't hold this column against me. But people who speak like metronomes drive me crazy. We hear them through our earbuds or watch them on a screen, and every sentence ends in the same tone as the last. Nonstop; it's like being trapped in a verbal assembly line where nothing ever changes pitch.
I love my dogs (Watson and Mabel) like family, but some of us pet owners are just as bad. They're not "furkids" or "furbabies." They're pets. Oh, and no, you didn't rescue your dog when you filled out paperwork at a shelter. Love is its own reward; it doesn't need ceremony.
And don’t forget conversational theatrics. “What. Is. Up?!” said like a three-act play.
Or “full stop,” the new favorite for people who want their opinion treated like a Supreme Court ruling.
It’s not profound: It’s punctuation cosplay.
Hollywood’s Secret Weather Machine
This is something that I can't unsee ever since I noticed it: why are movie streets always wet at night? I get it: Light reflects better off water, but it doesn't matter if it's Phoenix or Death Valley -- every nighttime scene looks like a rainstorm just ended. Apparently, Hollywood's budget for housing is bigger than its budget for costumes.
Or the house-guarding trope, coming from a wanna-be hardass. A squad of professionals is assigned to protect a home, and every time, each one of them is staring at the house. This just in! Bad guys aren't inside watching "World Police."
It might be more effective to turn around.
Just saying.
Final Thoughts
The foul pole isn’t foul. Grocery carts don’t belong sideways. Your dog isn’t a furkid.
None of these should be complicated, yet people keep repeating them as if repetition makes wrong things right. Maybe that’s why they nag me so much: It’s not just about words or habits; it’s about how carelessness gets normalized until everyone accepts it without question.
I have to stop here. Each moment I spent typing one item, I thought of two more. I really hope you don't think I'm being pretentious for sharing this: If so, it's not just me. I've asked my PJ Media teammates, family, and friends to share.
Oh, bonus irritation: When you're watching a video on YouTube or reading a column, and the author hands it over to you for your ideas.
Now, I’ll hand it over to you. What are the little things that drive you nuts? Share them in the comments below. I’ll be back on the mower soon, adding to my list, grumbling about 2 AM in the morning while the engine drowns me out.
At PJ Media, we’re not afraid to call out the little things that everyone else ignores. From sloppy language to sideways grocery carts, it’s about noticing the habits that make modern life just a little more absurd. If you enjoy columns like this, equal parts humor, common sense, and cultural critique, you’ll find even more when you join our PJ Media VIP community.
Subscribe today and unlock exclusive content, podcasts, and insights you won’t find anywhere else. It’s the best way to support independent voices who aren’t afraid to say what everyone else is thinking.
Join the conversation as a VIP Member