In a World Where Even Cinnamon Has a Political Side
There’s an unspoken social contract between a customer and the guy selling you nutmeg: “I give you $7.95, and you don’t call me Hitler.” But that’s been thrown out the window like yesterday’s parsley at Penzeys Spices, a Wisconsin-based company where herbs are fine, but Republicans are not.
Yes, the people who once just sold cloves are now trying to cleanse the world of anyone who ever voted red. Because what every successful spice blend needs these days is a pinch of virtue signaling, a dash of collective guilt, and a heaping tablespoon of political rage.
Penzeys Spices: Bold Flavors, Bolder Condemnation
CEO Bill Penzey isn’t just selling paprika; he’s marketing progressive purity with every jar. In a section of his company’s official website hilariously titled “About Republicans,” Penzey bypasses nuance and launches straight into a screed. He calls Republicans the “Number One threat to this country” and blames them for racism, climate denial, Covid misinformation, and every societal ill short of the extinction of the dinosaurs.
Penzey doesn’t even try to hide it. He’s not out here saying, “We disagree with Republican leadership on this or that policy.” No, no. He’s settled that all Republicans are bad, period. Even your sweet old neighbor who votes GOP because she likes low taxes and doesn’t trust TikTok.
She’s lumped in with Mussolini now.
Martin Luther King Jr. Weekend? Try ‘Republicans Are Racist Weekend’
At one point, and I wish this were satire, Penzeys rebranded MLK Day weekend as “Republicans Are Racist Weekend.” Because when you’re honoring the life of a man who dreamed of judging people by the content of their character, the best way to celebrate is to throw blanket accusations at millions of people based solely on their voter registration.
It’s as if Penzey took a chapter from Orwell, scribbled in some Whole Foods slogans, and called it a marketing strategy.
Business Model: Alienate Half, Beg the Rest
Shockingly, this didn’t go over well.
In fact, it went over like a cayenne-laced Molotov cocktail at a family picnic. Penzey later confessed that over 40,000 customers unsubscribed from their list following that email blast. That’s not a boycott. That’s a stampede.
But did he apologize?
Of course not.
He doubled down and urged loyal customers to buy gift cards to make up the losses, claiming they were doing “important work.” Which is one way to describe yelling at people who came for taco seasoning.
Jordan Was Right: The Other Side Buys Shoes (And Salt) Too
Michael Jordan, when asked why he didn’t publicly endorse a Democrat during his playing career, famously replied, “Republicans buy sneakers too.”
A simple, perfect, and pragmatic truth.
You don’t alienate customers just to earn points with people who already agree with you.
But Bill Penzey doesn’t want to be Michael Jordan. He wants to be Michael Moore with a mortar and pestle. And instead of adding value to the world, he’s cooking up division, slathering it in smug, and bottling it like it’s garlic powder.
Sister Knows Best: The Spice House Stays Sane
What makes this saga even more absurd is that Penzey’s sister, Patty Erd, runs a competing spice business: The Spice House. She stayed out of the political food fight, focusing instead on customer service, top-tier ingredients, and, you know, actual spices.
No angry blog posts. No voter roll screening before shipping out cumin. Just a simple business model built on treating everyone with respect, whether they vote red, blue, or eat plain toast because seasoning scares them.
Guess which one is thriving without begging for gift card bailouts?
The Spice Rack Shouldn’t Be a Battlefield
This isn’t just about Penzeys.
This is about the metastatic insanity that has taken over nearly every corner of American culture. Sports, music, children’s books, beer, cereal, Lego sets, and now, your spice rack.
We can’t just shop anymore. Everything is a referendum on our values. Want to add turmeric to your curry? Better check if the CEO supports carbon neutrality, gender theory in second grade, and the United Nations. Otherwise, you're complicit in the fall of democracy.
The simple pleasures are gone.
And we have folks like Bill Penzey to thank.
From Flavors to Finger-Wagging: A Marketplace Morality Play
Penzeys Spices could’ve been a bridge between households. Their jars could’ve brought flavor to left-wing dinner parties and right-wing barbecues alike.
But no.
Bill Penzey saw his customer base and torched half of it on the altar of ideology.
He could’ve chosen grace. He could’ve chosen tolerance. He could’ve chosen the high road. Instead, he peddled the spice with spite. And he’s now learning the most American business lesson of all: When you tell customers they’re the problem, they stop buying your product.
And unlike politics, where losing doesn’t always mean defeat in business, losing customers is the endgame.
Final Dash: May Your Pantry Be Free of Penance
So let’s make a promise. Let’s bring back sanity to our shopping carts.
Let’s buy spices without feeling like we need to confess our political sins at checkout. And let’s support businesses that treat us as human beings, not ideological checkboxes.
Because Republicans buy herbs, too, and so do independents. And centrists. And apolitical grandmas who just want to make their famous meatloaf without being accused of sedition.
Let the food bring us together again. And may Penzey’s next flavor be “Common Sense.” However, given the recent form, it’ll probably be discontinued.
