Happy Graduation, Quarantine Class of 2020!

Twitter screenshot of a graduation mask.

The other day, I was taking a stroll in the lovely beach town of Lockdown, California, when I overheard a collection of voices. Head on a swivel, eyes like a hawk, I quickly found the corona-culprits. It was a man – who looked like a dad – dressed in a cap and gown holding forth on a small front porch. Three or so members of the audience sat in lawn chairs looking up at him.

This is graduation 2020.

Dewy-eyed TV newscasters, bottom lip protruding, tell weepy stories about scenes such as these. About how these poor kids are getting short-changed this year because, instead of having a lavish graduation ceremony on the football field with a featured speaker, they’re getting Dad on a porch the width of a swinging screen door giving a stumbling speech to people sitting in the crabgrass.

Congratulations, Quarantine Class of 2020!

In fact, the Quarantine Class of 2020 has the advantage of never forgetting that its members forfeited their ceremonial rites of passage in large groups for reasons bigger than themselves. Besides, graduation is overrated. Prom is awkward. There are bigger rewards in life than those events – weddings and marathons come to mind.

Which graduation will be more memorable, Dad on the porch or being a dot in the crowd hoping your parents can spot your mortarboard?

Your schooling was virtual, why not graduation?

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This graduate may remember his co-workers’ pomp and ceremony more than being just another face in the crowd.

The COVID Class of 2020 is the only one ever to have these graduation accoutrements. Lucky you. But you’ll never forget them.

Graduation was pretty much a photo session with friends anyway, so nothing’s changed.

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Here we go! #graduation2020

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There are bigger things to worry about now. Like getting a job in this environment.
Congratulations, the “Class of Unemployment,” class of 2020. Going to college will mean going nowhere except your bedroom for the foreseeable future.

No Whining About Graduation

So as we wind down the coronapocalypse, here are a few things I’d love for the COVID Class of 2020 to take away from its experience of want this senior year.

  • If you are feeling sorry for yourself, stop. Buck up, it could be worse. You could be going off to fight a war or dodging bombing runs and eating MREs.
  • You wanted to spend hours a day online anyway, so you may as well do it for a useful purpose like school.
  • You’re right. You shouldn’t have to pay full price for a college degree that you earned in your bedroom.
  • Get out and exercise. No one can do that for you.
  • Smile, you got a break from having to take SAT and ACT for college entrance.
  • Bonus: rich kids’ parents can’t photoshop their kids’ faces in spring sports uniforms to get into USC.
  • You learned how to wash your damned hands.
  • At least with virtual school teachers, you don’t waste as much of your time with tertiary junk.

Here are things you need to remember as you go out into the world. Don’t forget you have God-given rights and that government should always make decisions based on more freedom, not less.

Government officials don’t have divine insight.

Remember how these people prevented your freedom of movement based on “science” that kept morphing and changing. Use your head. Double-check what you’re being told. Vote accordingly.

You don’t need to be under government school oversight to learn.

Ask yourself why school days are shorter when they’re virtual. Is it because the rest of the school day is spent learning non-essential things?

If you’re going out into the work world, try to find a job that will be deemed “essential” in a pandemic.

Now go tell Dad thanks for giving you a front porch graduation ceremony.


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