Freedom in the United States of America doesn’t just mean expressing your freedom of speech or your right to petition the government. Sometimes, it’s about the freedom to fail … and fail we do … especially, it seems, when beer and explosives are involved.
[Warning: Language advisory]
10) Brazilian Rocket Science
I don’t know any Portuguese curse words, but I’d venture a guess that this video from São Paulo contains some choice epithets. Never, ever, ever hold the fireworks in your hand. Just don’t.
9) When Fireworks Attack
“Wait a minute! It was going up my shorts!”
This family’s front-yard fireworks display went terribly wrong when the fireworks tipped over and shot at the house, hitting several family members. They repeated the trick again after dark, sending people scattering and checking to make sure everyone was uninjured.
8) Redneck Fireworks
Here’s the recipe for redneck fireworks: tape a few dozen firecrackers together, douse them with gasoline, stand back and shoot the bundle with a Roman candle. And miss. Fire again. And miss. And miss again. Lather, rinse, repeat. The actual detonation was rather anticlimactic compared to the process of trying to score a direct hit.
7) A Little Too Much Magnesium
This guy says he’s been experimenting with fireworks and he’s “perfected the mixture,” so it should “just sparkle a bit.” After an explosion nearly removes his face, he calmly remarks, “A little too much magnesium, I guess. I won’t do that again.” At least not in the house … at the kitchen table … 8″ away from his face.
6) Coincidental Accident
Here’s a thought: When you aim bottle rockets at your neighbor’s balcony, it’s probably not a “coincidence” when they arrive there and explode on impact. When the “coincidence” happens, these guys take the manly approach and hightail it back to the safety of their own apartment before the neighbors realize what’s hit them.
5) Fun Until Someone Loses an Eye
A Roman candle war at close range. What could go wrong? After leveling the blow that takes down his friend, the assailant takes another shot for good measure. The important thing is that they were able to capture the moment on video.
4) Sparklers vs. Toilet (and Urine)
This video contains a lot of important information that the public needs to know:
- “Boom Boom Fireworks” is cheaper than “World’s Cheapest Fireworks” (is there a government agency that should be looking into this?).
- 1575 sparklers weigh 14.5 lbs. Or 9 lbs., depending on which rocket scientist is peering at the scale.
- Somewhere in America toilets grow in cornfields — urine-filled toilets. “Why’d you pee in it, dude?”
- You can make an actual explosive device from ordinary sparklers and (apparently) urine.
- It’s important to stand at least 18 miles away when blowing up a toilet.
- If you wait until after dark to set off the explosion everyone can scream, “Where’s the toilet? Where’s the toilet?” while running around in the urine spray.
3) Toilets and Firecrackers Don’t Mix
“Dude! You are SO in trouble!” Ya think? What did they expect to happen when porcelain met a small explosive in the family powder room? Quick! Get some towels before you upload the video to YouTube! (These guys should have thought this through and found one of those magical cornfields where the toilets grow.)
2) Drunks and Fireworks
“I said three times this was a bad idea. This is an awful idea.”
So … you’re camping with the guys, consuming cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, and your friend is passed out under the table. What’s the first thing that comes to mind? If if wasn’t “blow off mortars in close proximity to his head,” you probably were in the wrong fraternity in college. Did it occur to these guys that their friend may have lost hearing in both ears after the first explosion?
1) YOU Go Check It Out!
“You’re the one who lit it, so you go check it out!”
Defending yourself from a mortar with a stick. That’s not going to end well.
“It’s fine. Just pick it up.”
“I’m not going to pick it up.”
“Just pick it up. ”
“I’m not picking it up.”
“Don’t make me come out there and pick it up.”
(This is equivalent to the “triple-dog-dare” from the movie A Christmas Story.)
Don’t feel bad — I fell for it too.
Have a safe and happy 4th of July and do take a few minutes out of your holiday celebration to contemplate the blessing of liberty that our Founders bestowed upon us when they declared our independence from the Crown in 1776:
We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States. … And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.
image illustration via shutterstock / solarseven