Culture

The Stupidest Stories From the Past Week

While many news stories keep us abreast of what is happening on the local and national levels, there are certain articles that appear in our feeds that are often unbelievable. I’m talking about stupid news, and it’s unfortunately everywhere.

We can’t blame a news organization for reporting on a topic that the public should know about or might have an interest in. But we can certainly blame the dimwits who create the news that is being reported. Seriously, can’t people just get it together?

Below are a few recent news stories that are so ridiculous, horrifying, or unreal that we have to wonder about the fate of the human species…

FBI Agent Does Backflip and Accidentally Shoots Nightclub Customer

Let’s unwrap this one, shall we? There’s nothing wrong with an FBI agent wanting to have a little fun in a nightclub. But why was this particular federal agent doing a backflip in a club with a loaded weapon in his pocket? The gun fell from his pants mid-flip, and when he picked it up it went off and shot a nearby patron. Luckily, the victim will recover, but what gives?

Open Pedophile Runs for Congress

Oh, how I wish this were fake news. Nathan Larson is 37 years old. He has bragged openly about being a pedophile, has admitted to raping his ex-wife repeatedly, and unfortunately for the good people of Virginia, he is running as an independent candidate for the state’s 10th Congressional District. This isn’t just stupid, it is horrifying.

Louisiana Televangelist Begs for $54 Million to Buy Jet

I am guessing that if the good Lord wanted preacher Jesse Duplantis to have a private jet, he would have gotten one without duping his followers into paying for it. (Ahem, Joel Osteen?) I know that preachers are not ordained ministers or priests, but they might seem slightly more credible if they gave a thought to the vow of poverty. But maybe flying coach isn’t flashy enough for people who have a public image to maintain.

Please Don’t Roast Marshmallows Over the Erupting Volcano

You know that volcano that has been erupting in Hawaii? Some people have wondered if it would be safe to roast marshmallows over the volcanic vents. Let’s think about that for a second. The U.S. Geological Survey had to take a moment to actually address this question, in the event that someone actually tried to make some volcano s’mores. Not only is a volcano dangerously hot, but the vents could emit SO2 or H2S — both of which are toxic (and would make the marshmallow taste pretty bad). Please, people — find something better to do with your time than thinking about using a volcano as your own personal fire pit.

U.S. ‘Teacher of the Year’ Spencer Herron charged with Sexually Assaulting Students

Spencer Herron, 48, is a former “Teacher of the Year” from the 2016-17 school year at Kell High School in Marietta, Georgia, where he has been working for 15 years. It is unclear what Herron did to earn such a title, because he was recently charged with sexual assault for groping and having sex with several students. Oh and several of the sexual encounters were unprotected. He isn’t only the teacher of the year, he’s also clearly a genius.

Homeowner Trying to Kill Weeds Sets Garage on Fire

Homeowners everywhere are probably nodding with a hint of understanding because weeds are terribly irritating, but come on, man! There are easier, more efficient, and safer ways to kill weeds than to use a TORCH. Yes, this man was trying to kill the weeds on his property with a torch, and then his garage went ablaze, resulting in $10-15K in damage. We’ve got a winner, folks!