Culture

You Can Now Get a Groupon for Your STD Tests

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At a time when the world seems a bit crazy, we should all be grateful for at least one thing: a Groupon for an at-home STD test. Yes, this exists.

Groupon just posted a deal for myLAB Box, which means that for one easy payment of $49, you too can test for chlamydia, gonorrhea, trichomoniasis, and HIV in the comfort of your own home. When you order the kit online, the test arrives at your doorstep in a “discreet package.” In only five minutes, you can collect your “biological sample” and ship it back to the company. The best (worst?) part is that you can access your results online within just a few days. The site says that in “the event of a positive result, trained STD counselors and physicians are on call to provide guidance or a treatment plan completely free of charge.”

Let’s unwrap this, shall we? First of all, STD tests can be easily done by one’s own doctor or at a local clinic — and for far cheaper than $49. STD tests yield results in minutes, so you’re not left wondering for days whether you are infected with a contagious, life-threatening disease. Furthermore, when an HIV test is done in person, the counselor who is delivering the bad news is trained to help you right then and there. How excruciating, isolating, and scary it must be to learn you are HIV-positive, only to have to call the number on an STD box to ask someone to help you.

And what if you test positive for the other communicable diseases? You need a prescription to treat them! That is why it would be ideal to have those tests administered by someone in the healthcare profession.

Convenience is what this Groupon is publicizing, but learning that you have tested positive without a doctor to treat you is anything but convenient. And if confidentiality is what you’re after, no one needs to know why you’re going to the doctor. And if you’re this embarrassed by responsible STD checkups, then perhaps you’re not mature enough to be having sex in the first place?