John Nampion Vs. His Sharia-Compliant Teenage Son

Hey Dad — you know about the Moors, right?

Sure, Nick, I’ve heard of them. Read a little about them in school.

Then you probably know they created the most advanced civilization in the history of the world. Muslims. Muslims, Dad.

Please sit back, relax, and enjoy the following Sharia-compliant video, the current fad in dhimmified classrooms across the country:

Geez…not this again…My 15-year-old son (taller by a lot, thank God, and of course way smarter and better-looking than yours truly — he could easily be mistaken for your typical blond surfer dude) taking shots at his Old Man about his favorite subject these days, those plucky and misunderstood Ambassadors of Allah — or as Elijah Muhammad used to call his own nasty, thuggish variant — the “Fruit of Islam.”

Trust me Nicky Nampion, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a bigger buzzkill than Mr. Hand's history class.

Of course linking to a Nation of Islam website to somehow “prove” my own bigoted and ignorant opinion about the relative “goodness” or lack thereof of one of the three great monotheistic religions of history is just fodder for my boy who, like many young people, believes that no one wants to change the way he lives. It’s just a simple difference of opinion, after all, and can I please give him 65 bucks to go to a concert this weekend?

“Dad, look how slanted and hateful you are towards people you don’t even know,” he states, his contempt for my supposed viewpoint palpable, his tone of voice disgusted and withering:

I have friends who are Muslim, and they are the same as anyone else. Besides, all religions use violence to assert their dominance. Look at the Spanish Inquisition! And look at all those Evangelical retards who think the Earth is only 6,000 years old, and who believe the only way to Heaven is through their God, and their God alone!

“Alright, Nick, let’s figure this one out,” I reply. “How many Muslim friends do you have?”



Don’t be an ass, Dad. There are only two Muslim families with kids in high school here.

No problem, buddy. There will be more soon, don’t worry.

“So of the two Islamic friends you have,” I continue, “how many of them have been to my house?”

Well A. has been there — you already know that. What’s your point?

Was I nice to him?

Dad…what does this have to do with anything?

Of the entire Muslim population of your high school, 50% of them have been to my house. And that 50% has been here several times. So I would say that I am pretty accommodating towards Muslims. I am able to see people as individuals, regardless of their religious convictions; unlike your specious attitude towards Evangelicals — you tend to lump them all together when you make statements about their supposed lack of intelligence.

Dad, how could anyone believe crap like that when science clearly contradicts it? Why don’t you watch Richard Dawkins sometime? He makes fools out of those people!

(Take a sip of lemonade, dig into that Cheetos bag, and watch the almighty Mr. Dawkins riff.)

“So the Evangelicals are more silly than Muslims, and Catholics, and Jews?” I asked. “I don’t understand what you’re getting at, Son. Please explain.”

Dad, religion is mostly a crutch. Scientists know that, and you should too. Anyone who takes it literally is just stupid.

OK, my boy, let’s try this another way. Let’s say all religion is just kind of daft, but it gives comfort to people, so if they want to worship, they can. What would you think of a religion that denies other creeds (not to mention atheists and agnostics) the right to exist? That dictates that all unbelievers must be killed!

That’s a load of crap, Dad. The Bible says the same stuff. Hardly anyone takes it seriously. Do you really think most Muslims want to kill Christians, or Jews, or anyone else? Ninety-nine percent of the Muslims in the world just want to have a peaceful life and get along with other people. So why would you interfere with their right to worship?

Well, I haven’t said that I wanted to do that, Nicky. I’m just saying that this “religion” that you seem to find so benign is actively involved in killing people all over the world who won’t succumb to its tenets. Therefore we need to be wary. People who speak out tend to have problems.”

Christianity is the most violent religion in history, Dad. What about the Crusades?

Well I think it depends on who you talk to on that one, and besides, why do you keep bringing up such ancient history? What about 9-11? What about the terrorist attacks that take place every single day worldwide?

Dad — those people are lunatics. Just like the guy in Norway.

I’m not sure the Scandinavian Slayer is Christian. He might say he is — but his actions don’t really fit in too well with the New Testament. And he is one person. One twisted and evil individual. These others are actually following the instructions in the Koran. There’s a huge difference!

It was time for some heavy artillery. I pulled out Robert Spencer and David Horowitz’s September 30th article (A Rational Fear of Islamism”)  in National Review Online:

Is fear of terrorists inspired by Islam irrational? There have been 17,800 terrorist attacks carried out by Muslims in the name of Allah since 9/11. Is it unreasonable to be concerned that 30,000 shoulder-ready surface-to-air missiles have recently gone missing in the Muslim nation of Libya, where both government and rebels support the Islamic jihad against America and the West?

“Yeah, like those two don’t have an axe to grind,” Nicky snorted back. “You just need to face it, Dad: All religion is based on superstition, and all religions have tried to get their congregants to commit evil-doing from time to time. In the end no one’s gonna buy it. … Can I have 35 bucks to go to the movies and get something to eat?”

I fondly remember the days when I was so smart — and certain — and easily able to slip from one parochial undertaking to the next. I hope in 25 years my son will still feel the same way he does today — but somehow I don’t think the reality will be quite like he envisions.

Read more of John Nampion’s adventures!

Episode 1: John Nampion Vs. The Hometown Community Homeowners Association

Episode 2: John Nampion Vs. The Hot, Sexy Yoga Hustlers

Stay tuned for more of John Nampion’s humorous, real-life confrontations with humanity. Coming soon at PJLifestyle.