Do you ever look at another human being and just want to say, “Stop it!” — except, before the words leave your mouth, you realize that what you really want the person to do is to stop being himself? Asking a complete ass to stop annoying you is like asking a bird not to chirp or a fish not to swim. No matter how much you try to wish it away, it’s just what he’s chosen to be.
1) The Male Feminist
Maybe no one has informed you of this, but you are a dude. A man is not supposed to be a neutered, pansy-ass, emasculated weenie who trashes his own sex and spouts off lines Gloria Steinem didn’t even really believe when she first said them. Are guys like this trying to impress chicks? Were they brainwashed in a women’s studies class in college? Are they just uncomfortable with the fact that they have a penis? Whatever the case may be, these losers are so irritating that you get the feeling that even most liberal feminists have to choke back the intrinsic revulsion that they feel for these Nancy Boys.
Grown-ass men do not watch My Little Pony or, worse yet, dress like characters from the show and say things like, “Friendship is magic.” Not only is it weird and effeminate, it’s creepy. It’s hard to tell whether these losers are closet pedophiles or have decided to rave about a cartoon show for little girls as part of some sort of psychic rejection of adulthood and manliness. On behalf of everyone who knows you and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, let me say, “Being a Bronie is a desperate psychic cry for help from some deep part of your subconscious. Answer it and go see a psychologist, weirdo!”
Is it unfair to include trolls on this list because they spend their time aggravating people online instead of out in the real world? Not really, because let’s face it, they’d be just as annoying if they weren’t shut-ins who can’t relate to anyone face-to-face. And don’t delude yourself: There are no likable, psychologically healthy “cool” guys who spend hours every day insulting random people on the Internet for the “lulz.” These are maladjusted, unhappy human beings who should probably be trying to find a way to cope with the fact that their mothers didn’t love them enough and that they’re on the Internet working through their anger and self-worth issues by taking perverse satisfaction in being cruel to strangers.
4) King Turd
It’s like these guys have gotten the idea that the only way they can be a strong alpha man is by completely dominating every facet of every situation that they’re in. If there is a group of people, they want to do all the talking. If someone mentions something cool that he did, they have to top it. If another person starts getting some attention, they either have to try to put them down or draw all the attention back to themselves. That’s not actually what confident, well-liked people do. Men who are sure of their own self-worth don’t feel compelled to hop around like a monkey performing for an organ grinder to make sure the spotlight is on them every second of the day. That’s what makes King Turd so irritating: not only does he try to suck every bit of oxygen out of the room for himself, but everyone instinctively gets that he behaves that way not because he has it altogether, but because he’s insecure.
5) The Pull Your Pants Up Guy
It doesn’t matter if you’re a gangbanger, a ratty high school kid or Lil Wayne, having your pants hanging off your behind makes you look like a moron. Whether you’re talking about your own mother, the girls you talk to, people you pass on the street — all of them immediately think the exact same thing, “Pull your pants up, dumbass!” You may think, “Pull my pants up? I can’t do that! It makes me look like a gangster.” No, real gangsters are in the Mafia and they wear suits. Having your pants working their way down to your knees doesn’t make you look “gangster” or like a rock star; it makes you look like a sloppy little boy.
6) Mr. Contrarian
Whether these guys just enjoy arguing, never got over failing to make the debate team in high school, or think it makes them sound smart to disagree with almost every single thing you say, they can’t help themselves: They just have to contradict you. You think Kim Kardashian is hot. Oh no, she’s actually ugly. Limitless was a great film. No, he explains, it’s actually terrible! Hitler was a bad guy? Well, maybe you haven’t considered the fine work he did in pulling the German people together! No matter what it is, no matter what he actually believes, he just feels compelled not just to disagree, but to let you know all about it. After listening to that over and over again, the pointlessness and negativity of it make you want to run, not walk to get away from him.
7) Beta Wimps
You don’t have to be John Wayne — which is good, because not many people can pull that off — but you should at least show a little manhood. No man should let “Well, he is a nice guy, I guess” be the best thing that can be said about him. No guy should be the one who can’t speak up for himself, who averts his eyes the first time there’s a conflict, and who has a female “friend” he secretly has a crush on telling him all about how the dude she’s banging is breaking her heart. The saddest thing about these guys? It’s that you WANT to like them, but the best you can actually muster up is pity.
Previously from John Hawkins at PJ Lifestyle: