It’s been about three decades since I last stepped foot in one of Orlando’s large theme parks. From what I’ve read and seen online, I’m pretty sure that if and when I find myself lolling around Disney or Universal or whatever other parent-torture device exists in Florida’s armpit, I will find myself sinfully irritated. Actually, scratch the “pretty sure” and change it to “I will absolutely find myself sinfully irritated,” especially if I find myself at Universal Orlando. You see, amongst the many other annoying features, the park has added a naked troll that farts glitter at park guests.
A character from the animated movie Trolls, Guy Diamond wanders around Universal Orlando with a couple of his troll pals. Unlike his pals, Diamond is unclothed, showing off his surprisingly sculpted butt (shouldn’t trolls be large and mushy?). After entertaining park guests with a troll dance, Diamond hops around, aims his butt at the audience, and then farts glitter in the direction of the onlookers.
No doubt, besides the scripted dance and farting performance, Diamond wanders around Universal Orlando looking for miserable dads whom he can force into being unwilling participants in an impromptu farting dance show. As if cargo shorts aren’t embarrassing enough on middle-aged dudes, imagine cargo shorts covered in glitter on middle-aged dudes. A long day just got longer.
My kids love Trolls. Which is fine, they’re kids. I don’t hate the movie, but I’m also not particularly fond of it. Which is fine, because I’m an adult. And I get that movies and theme parks co-exist to mutually market each other and force parents to fork over more and more money in a never-ending loop of product placement. To that end, I also understand that being accosted by college interns dressed up as movie characters is par for the course when you find yourself in Orlando. Because I understand all that, as someone who doesn’t like being touched or talked to by strangers, if I ever find myself in one of the various theme parks, I will force myself to grit my teeth and refrain from emptying the contents of my mind upon the movie character interacting with me. That being said, if Guy Diamond farts glitter on me, all bets on my behavior are off.