Culture

'I'm Afraid of Clowns' and 6 Other Things Everyone Knows You're Lying About

To be fair, all of us are probably guilty of saying things that prompt internal eyerolls of incredulity in other people. Some of us, however, make claims that are so absurd as to explain the invention of the social media acronym “SMH.” Below, I’ve helpfully compiled some of the more egregious examples of things that next to no one believes when others utter them. No doubt, I’ve missed a few; that’s why comment sections for articles exist.

7. I’m afraid of clowns.

Fear of Clowns

Image Courtesy of Shutterstock

No, you’re not. Unless you’re under the age of five and not allowed to leave your fun-proofed child-proofed room. Clowns, like puppies and bumblebees, are among the least scary things in the world. And if you “see” Pennywise whenever you’re at the circus, stop smoking weed while watching late night TV. Something that is popular amongst children is most decidedly not scary (the “pizza” at Chuck E. Cheese being a notable exception).

6. I like my steak cooked well-done.

Image via Reddit

Image via Reddit

Ok, to be honest, it may be more likely that with this one, the rest of us are hoping that you don’t mean it when you naively declare that you like steak cooked well. Because if it’s true, you’re not ever going to be invited to our houses for dinner (you may receive a lunch invite when we can legitimately serve you something that matches your palate – peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, for example). For those of you who believe that you like your steak cooked well-done, you do realize that that’s how saddles are made, right? Saddle makers sew slabs of well-done steaks together and then rub ’em down with lots of teak oil. True story. No sane person with working taste buds actually likes a steak cooked well-done.

5. I have OCD.

If your OCD has been clinically diagnosed (i.e. by a professional, board-certified therapist), go on and skip ahead. If, however, you’ve been self-“diagnosed” or a Buzzfeed quiz concluded that there is a 72% chance (or any percentage, for that matter) that you have OCD, you do NOT have OCD (or any other malady that requires an actual diagnosis). You may, however, have the over preening need for attention.

4. I’m not a fan of the Beatles.

The only people who are legitimately NOT fans of the Beatles believe that rock and roll is the devil’s music. Or they’re over the age of eighty. If neither of those things describe you, no one believes you when you claim that you don’t like the Beatles. We all recognize that you simply want people to believe that you possess some sort of secret and superior knowledge of aesthetics.

3. Nowadays, Christmas decorations are put out too early.

Even if this is true, how miserable would someone have to be to even care? Think about it – festive lights, joyous music, a jolly fat man who brings people gifts, and an excuse to gorge on pies and chocolate. I don’t believe it’s possible for Christmas cheer to come too early. Sadly though, it’s true. Christmas is not coming earlier than in the past (no matter how much the Grinches whine about it). How do I know? Because sad sack adults were saying the exact same thing thirty-plus years ago, when I was a kid.

2. I’m quirky. Or, I’m weird.

Image via Tumblr

Image via Tumblr

If you have to tell people that you’re quirky or weird, you’re not. That applies to municipalities, too (I’m looking at you Austin and Portland). If the marketing department of your city has to sell people on the idea that your city is quirky or weird, well, your city is trying too hard. Likewise, if you post memes that say “I don’t care if you call me weird, you’re just stating the obvious,” wear a t-shirt letting the world know how weird you and your friends are, or otherwise declare that you’re weird and quirky, you’re not.

1. I’m an introvert.

Image via Tumblr

Image via Tumblr

I predict that this is the one that’s going to provoke the most consternation in people. That’s because claiming to be an introvert is very important to many. And it’s very important because it’s a claim that makes their lives selfishly easier. For those of you who make this insufferable claim, here’s a secret – the rest of us recognize that when you glumly sigh, “I’m an introvert,” what you really mean is, “I want an excuse to be rude at parties.”