For the world, the U.S. presidential primaries are just the globe’s biggest reality TV show. Sure, it is all fun and games—unless it is your country. For Americans, sorting through the candidates is maybe the biggest choice we make every four years in deciding how to keep our nation free, safe, and prosperous.
Hollywood can help. Tinseltown has given us more than a few examples of what not to look for in the next occupant of the Oval Office.
Here are seven presidents your conscience should not allow you to vote for:
#7 Mars Attacks (1996)
Jack Nicholson leads the free world in fending off invaders from space. He should have stuck to defending Gitmo. Bad film, bad acting, bad president—it was a trifecta. If you elect a president that can’t handle space aliens, how can you ever expect him to secure the border?
#6 2012 (2009)
Danny Glover gets to play the president presiding over the end of the world. After watching this painfully bad movie one could have only wished that the world and Glover’s career had come to an end. Spoiler alert—he gets flattened by an aircraft carrier. Never elect a president who is not good at crisis management or dealing with Mayan curses.
#5 Fail-Safe (1964)
In a moment of nuclear crisis, Henry Fonda orders the U.S. Air Force to drop an atomic bomb on New York City. Really? Thanks, but no thanks, Mr. President. We should take our nuclear weapons policy much more seriously..
#4 Frost/Nixon (2008)
Frank Langella as Richard Nixon thinks he can go on national television and explain how Watergate was not a criminal act and a betrayal of the American people. Spoiler alert—ends badly. Lesson—don’t elect presidents prone to committing felonies.
#3 Idiocracy (2006)
America finally gets the president it deserves. In a world where everyone is just plain stupid, Terry Crews leads a nation with IQs as low as Japanese interest rates. The smartest man in the world is Luke Wilson. That’s right. The smartest man in the world is Owen Wilson’s brother. It is an idiotic movie about idiots. Don’t vote for idiots.
#2 Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)
Benjamin Walker spends most of the movie fighting the undead. No wonder the Civil War dragged on for so long. Presidents should focus on the day job and not be distracted by hobbies like golf or vampire hunting.
#1 The President’s Analyst (1967)
The occupant of the Oval Office has mental health issues. He confesses all his secrets to James Coburn, who then becomes the target of every spy ring on the planet. Lesson here. Pick a president without any obvious hang-ups.