Culture

10 Things Hannah's Pants Did Without Her

Hi lovely readers! I’m so happy, I wanted to share the news with all of you: I’ve just entered freelance life. Yes, I actually chose this — worked quite hard, in fact, to earn this freedom. My mom has been sharing with me the lessons she’s learned over several decades of freelance work: don’t undersell yourself; create a schedule for your day; put your clothes and makeup on every morning to make yourself feel focused and ready to work.

So no, I haven’t been living the pants-optional life. Okay, I’m wearing shorts most days. Sometimes yoga leggings. This has raised the question among some of my brilliant colleagues here on the blog: what do Hannah’s business pants do without her?

Rather than leave their curiosity unsatisfied, I present the world with the following list. Think of it as a day in the life of Hannah’s pants.

1) Hannah’s pants meditate.

Oh, I’ve had more time to meditate too, but not nearly as much time as a pair of pants in the back of my closet. Hannah’s pants have been losing themselves in the present moment, appreciating the beauty in the creak of a floorboard, and joining the current of the communal spirit.

Unfortunately, they’ve grown a little snobby about it, and now they’re telling me I should practice more.

2) Hannah’s pants attend state functions. 

So I don’t have to.

We were going to start a wall of pictures that my pants had taken with VIPs, but unfortunately my pants had difficulty getting anyone to agree to a photo.

3) Hannah’s pants went to Great Wolf Lodge. 

The radio ads finally got to them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfUoUfSxqDE

4) Hannah’s pants are getting a graduate degree. 

I never saw the point, myself, but my pants can make their own decisions, I guess. I have no idea what they’re going to do with a doctorate in mid-century Norwegian poetry.

5) Hannah’s pants are taking dance lessons. 

The rest of me is just freestyling.

6) Hannah’s pants wrote this blog post. 

I was taking a lunch nap. On my couch. In my home!

Don’t be jealous.

Okay, be jealous.

7) Hannah’s pants are learning how to use Instagram video. 

Dave wants me to incorporate it into more posts, but I’m not sure how to work it. I’m hoping my pants can teach me.

At least, when I finally splurge in a totally unnecessary fashion to upgrade my phone, I can tell the Verizon man that my pants made me do it.

8) Hannah’s pants read Ulysses

Don’t ask. They didn’t get it either.

When I asked my pants, “Well, what was that graduate degree for anyway?” they just huffed out of the room.

9) Hannah’s pants are getting better at crafts. 

We’re multitasking. That way I have more time to practice guitar. My pants can’t do that because they don’t have fingers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0e86ARPDUY

10) Hannah’s pants are figuring out the DC bus system. 

Someone told them there are places that aren’t near the Metro. It’s okay, we’ve said our goodbyes.

I hope that satisfies your curiosity, guys. Now I have some gardening to do.