Bad Advice for Ghost Sharks

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Submit your questions to [email protected] or leave a question in the comments section, and I’ll answer it in Bad Advice!

Every week, in addition to my Wednesday Bad Advice column featuring questions from you, the readers, I’ll be doing a Thursday advice column for fictional characters, celebrities, and anyone else who didn’t ask for it. If you have suggestions for characters or celebrities you’d like me to give Bad Advice to, send them to the email address above!

Dear Bad Advice,

I’m hungry. Hungry all the time. Hungry for REVENGE.

Don’t really have a problem with it. Just thought you should know.

– Ghost Shark

This is going to sound like bad advice, but maybe it’s time to do something for you.

Anger is natural. Obsession is unhealthy. When you hunt down your enemies and kill them in ingenious and hilarious ways, you’re serving a memory, a grudge — you’re letting your (after)life be determined by what someone else did to you, not the choices you make for yourself. And what you think of as an epic quest for justice might seem…well, kind of silly to other people.

Ghost Shark, we’ve all been there. We’ve all fantasized about springing out of a bucket and eating our least favorite people alive. Okay, all people are your least favorite people, but I’m sure you have a few whom you especially find tasty dislike. Go ahead and feel your anger — let it run through you. But don’t start making decisions based on your dislike of someone else. That’s letting the humans control you just as much as they did when that one guy killed you the first time.

Ghost Shark, I can’t change you. Actually, I kind of don’t want to because you’re the fodder for some of my favorite memes right now, and without you I might start going to the weird part of reddit again to find something as funny. But just, you know, think about you for a second. Your options are limitless — do you really want to spend your sharky afterlife confined to buckets and slip-n-slides just for the sake of a cheap kill? Wouldn’t you prefer the freedom of the open sea? They sky’s the limit (when it’s raining you have some leeway on that, too). Go on a rampage of self-actualization.